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Old 03-30-2019, 05:43 PM   #1426
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A Jew in New York sees somewhere in a street the sign 'Chaim Goldberg - China Restaurant'. He went inside and notices, that there are only Chinese in there. He stops a waiter and asks: 'This is really a Chinese restaurant?' 'Yes, sir'. 'And your cook, is he Jewish?' 'No, sir'. 'And the food, is it kosher?' 'No, sir'. 'So tell me, who is Chaim Goldberg?' 'He's our boss, sir'. The Jew asks whether he can talk with the owner of the restaurant. A small and very old Chinese appears. 'Chaim Goldberg'. The Jew asks: 'How is it possible, that you are Chinese and carry a Jewish name?' He says: 'It is very simple'. Many years ago, when I came to America by ship, they made us line up in a row and they started to write down our names. The man in front of me said: 'Chaim Goldberg'. Then they asked me. And I said: 'Same Sing'.
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Old 03-30-2019, 05:47 PM   #1427
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Old 04-03-2019, 06:17 PM   #1428
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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter, “said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

Unfortunately, while rushing forward to strike the last bell of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,... “but his face rings a bell”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the armless man who fell to his death yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to try to replace him.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and armless man’s brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as had his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, fell to the floor and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but “only that he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
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Old 04-03-2019, 06:20 PM   #1429
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Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?

Now he's a hardened criminal.

Comment -

He must have been plastered. Mortar the point, did the police find any concrete evidence
that he was rendered senseless before becoming set in his ways?
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Old 04-04-2019, 09:45 AM   #1430
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That guy belongs behind rebars!
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Old 04-14-2019, 02:12 AM   #1431
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I'll drink to that:


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Old 04-15-2019, 08:40 PM   #1432
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This indeed is worrisome

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
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Old 04-15-2019, 08:43 PM   #1433
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank ya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:22 PM   #1434
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.......

It also explains why he never found out that his student, Plato, was having an affair with his wife.
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Old 04-22-2019, 12:31 AM   #1435
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Had a bad day?

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Old 04-22-2019, 09:35 AM   #1436
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Had a bad day?

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Old 04-22-2019, 02:46 PM   #1437
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I've never truly understood who she is and why she's rich and famous?
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Old 04-22-2019, 04:49 PM   #1438
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son… what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, " So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!'"
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Old 04-22-2019, 06:25 PM   #1439
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall Bennett View Post
I've never truly understood who she is and why she's rich and famous?
Well, it's not from winning poker tournaments!
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Old 05-02-2019, 01:10 PM   #1440
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Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
-Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
- How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
-Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
- How come Noses run and Feet smell?
- Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
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