HUMOR

[ldiatone]

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

[coachv30]

Man is driving down a dirt road in a rural town when he sees a sign in front of a house that reads, " Talking Dog- Free to a good home".

Out of curiosity, the man knocks at the door and asks the owner to see the dog. The owner says "Sure, he's in on the couch." The man walks over to him and says, "Hello there Fella". The dog replies, "Howdy stranger".

The man says, I can't believe it, you do talk. The dog says "Of course I do. As a matter of fact I've been talking since the Reagan administration when I worked as a secret service dog. I did such a great job, Bush kept me on. I just retired a few years ago."

"In fact, I was responsible for finding both Saddam and Osama, I was planted, listened to conversations and reported back to my higher ups with the secret info."

The dog goes on and on for a good hour with these stories...

Finally the guy goes over to the owner and says, "That is amazing, why in the world are you giving this dog away?" The owner says....

"Because he's a god damned liar!! None of that shit he told you is true!!"

[ldiatone]

Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is.
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Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

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Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.

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Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.

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Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

[ldiatone]

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

[ldiatone]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[ldiatone]

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!

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Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"

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Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: "Please, no stories!"

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Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!

[dirt]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[horses4courses]

Twitter

__________________
Want to know what's wrong with this country?
Here it is, in a nutshell: Millions of people are
pinning their hopes on a man who has every
chance of returning to the WH, assuming that
he can manage to stay out of prison. Think about it.

[woodtoo]

Poor guy.

[FantasticDan]

This isn't really humor, but still worth a share. Great stuff

YouTube (Short URL)

[OverlayHunter]

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "afraid of flying?"

"No, I've been transferred to Chicago. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

[RunForTheRoses]

Online dating Ad 3/2020

Nice single lady with 36 rolls of Charmin

Looking to meet kindly gentleman with hand sanitizer

[Tom]

Originally Posted by RunForTheRoses

Online dating Ad 3/2020

Nice single lady with 36 rolls of Charmin

Looking to meet kindly gentleman with hand sanitizer

Object_ Social distancing!

[Fred Mertz]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.


"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."


"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay,"said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.


Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"


Again the doctor spoke very calmly:


"Same illness, better health insurance, the first patient had Obamacare."

[PhantomOnTour]

Originally Posted by Fred Mertz

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.


"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."


"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay,"said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.


Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"


Again the doctor spoke very calmly:


"Same illness, better health insurance, the first patient had Obamacare."

Good Lord that's pathetic