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Heartbreaking
FOTH: Before I go any further, I want to touch on something bad that was happening to you at this time. You were being raped—and you were underage. Did you block this out and just concentrate on being a jockey? How hard was this to write about?
KR: At the time, I pretended it wasn't happening. I was good at blocking things out to survive. This is not unusual for kids who are raped. Becoming a great jockey was an obsession, a way to become something—not the "bad" person I believed that I was. I think most people who are driven to succeed at any cost are overcoming low self-esteem. This is what drove me beyond what is normal—and the reason for my extreme focus, extreme drive, lack of fear, and ultimate success as a jockey. Years later, when I was so far down—depressed, suicidal, and drinking—facing and writing about what happened when I was young is what led to my healing. I also realized that writing how I felt about the abuse, the dark path it took me down, and my eventual healing would help many others who were still suffering the emotional and lasting aftereffects of childhood abuse. Consequently, not only was writing this painful part of my story healing, but it gave writing about it a higher purpose—to help others to face their own pain, which is a necessary part of healing.
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