HUMOR

[bugboy]

a coffin

[Steve 'StatMan']

When my Dad passed (a long time ago) we felt we should get him a new dress shirt for the visitation and to be buried in. Our family, all adults with great senses of humor, went in the clothing store and told the clerk we wanted to buy a dress shirt for our Dad, and it should be the size that would fit me, I was slightly larger than him at the time. The poor clerk, he started asking what styles & colors he prefered, short or long sleeves, the types of events he normally dresses up for, etc, all the while the whole family, even Mom is laughing, some of us having absolute fits, and the poor guy was in the dark, wondering what he was saying that was so funny. I finally calmed down and gently let him know that it was for his funeral - whoo that was some levity at a time when we kind of needed it. Too, too funny at a grim time. (long illness, wasn't a surprise, and somewhat of a relief that his suffering was finally over.)

We love and miss our Dad, the great Saint Dick, and remembering Dad, he'd have been laughing too, if he wasn't there in the spirit doing so.

[Dave Schwartz]

A women tells her husband that she would like to experiment sexually.
"What do you want to do?" he asks.
"I want to have a threesome." she revealed.
"What?? You want to bring a stranger into our bedroom?"
"No, you aren't listening." she replied.
"Two strangers."

Back at ya, Tom.

A man comes home and says to his wife that he has an idea for a new sex position. She says, "What do you have in mind?" and he says, "Back-to-back."

She says, "How does that work?"

Proudly, he announces, "I am bringing home another couple."

[sammy the sage]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.

[jballscalls]

You guys might get a kick out of this. Saturday night I got on a roll on twitter doing a Jeff Foxworthy type "you might be a redneck if..." only it was for horseplayers.

I put them all up here.

http://jasonbeem.com/

[ReplayRandall]

Jason, what was your choice of "beverage" when you wrote these?

[Dave Schwartz]

Those are good. (Just could not get through them all but they are... accurate.)

[jballscalls]

Originally Posted by ReplayRandall

Jason, what was your choice of "beverage" when you wrote these?

I don't drink. I"m just very mentally disturbed

[Robert Fischer]

Originally Posted by jballscalls

You guys might get a kick out of this. Saturday night I got on a roll on twitter doing a Jeff Foxworthy type "you might be a redneck if..." only it was for horseplayers.

I put them all up here.

http://jasonbeem.com/

haha some good ones

[magwell]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky,

and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for

materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”



The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

[Tom]

Things to do today:

1. Try to get coffee out of keyboard

[HUSKER55]

you might be a horse player ..........
if you suddenly realize that if you had spent as much time studying mathmatics at college as you do playing horses...... then you realize you are taking time and thought away from the next race and so you say "nahhh",.....and move on.

[DJofSD]

http://jasonbeem.com/2014/10/06/you-...a-horseplayer/

[OntheRail]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival forist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was this guy, OntheRail, who posted ten different puns on PaceAdvantage website, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[DJofSD]

Originally Posted by OntheRail

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

My fave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpHCfndib0Q