"Lust In Yonkers!" Act I

[Teach]

She was beautiful. Thin. Lithe. Yet shapely. She coulda modeled. She had all the ingredients I was looking for: nubile, agile, and complile (if there is such a word).

Only a month before, I had been moping around in a room I rented in a town called Manhasset, NY (I was a social studies teacher at the town's high school in the mid-to-late 1960s).

Frankly, I was having trouble making connections with women. Oh, I tried everything. I went to rock concerts (I lost several decibels of hearing). I went to singles bars (I mistakenly almost picked up a tranvestite --- too vain to wear my glasses). I went to the Playboy Club; but the biggest thing that happened there was that a Playboy Bunny perched near me and passed gas -- at least that's what it smelled like (unless someone had just ordered limburger cheese).

Oh, there were some very attractive, young female teachers where I taught, but I was always hesitant to date someone who was a colleague. You know how the kids are: "Mr L. is dating Miss Smith." Besides, there's an old adage in the teaching profession: "Don't stick your pen in Board of Education ink."

So here I was, visiting my friends: Roosevelt and Yonkers Raceways, but very much lacking for female companionship.

Well, I had just about reached the end of my rope when I was having dinner one evening at a local diner. On that occasion, I spots these fliers for computerized dating --- call it "eHarmony in the Stone Age." I take the flier home and proceed to fill out the accompanying questionnaire. It was pretty much a basic resume type thing; yet, it emphasized your interests and preferences in women, you know -- tall or short; blonde, brunette, redhead; age; proximity to where you live, etc.

As I recall filling it out, I remember saying under "interests" that my favorite pastime was going to the harness races. I also included under interests: Reading. Reading, that is, harness racing programs, "Hoof Beats," "Horseman And Fair World," and the DRF.

The next morning I sent the questionnaire to a Manhattan-based computerized-dating firm with $10. About ten days later, I received a list of five women's name with their telephone numbers.

As I think back, I called the first name on the list that evening. The only thing I recall of the conversation was that she told me that the whole thing was "a joke." What happened was "her friends had played a prank on her." Although it was July, all I could think of was: "Happy Halloween!"

My next date did take place, but it too was a horror (no pun intended) show. The woman I dated was from a section of Brooklyn called Canarsie. Her name was Ann. I recall taking her to Manhattan's Playboy Club. As it turns out, she was a klepto. I mean she took everything that wasn't nailed down. I shoulda been suspicious from the get-go because when I picked her up she was carrying this humungous pocketbook that you literally could have stuffed a sulky in.

In any event (I can't inventory it all), I believe she took from our table: silverware, condiments, sugar packets, and possibly some linen. I do remember she was actually tilting to the side that her pocketbook was on. I couldn't wait to drop her off.

My third date was another fiasco. I had arranged to "Do Lunch" at a Manhattan bistro. I left with plenty of time to pick up my date, but then, the unexpected, or should I say, the unplanned happened: I got stuck on the L.I.E., the Long Island Expressway. There was no way I was going to get there on time. In a day before cell phones, there was no way I could call ahead to say I was gonna be late. When I finally got her apartment, the doorman buzzed up and told me that she wasn't home.

My fourth date also had an unusual twist. I remember going to an apartment in the Queens borough of New York. I recall ringing the doorbell and being greeted by this very attractive female. I thought to myself, "Finally!" But soon I found out that this woman was not my date. The woman who opened the door was like -- a greeter. She, in turn, brought me to another woman who, well, was not nearly as exciting. Now don't get me wrong; some of the best dates I've had were with women who were never going to have screen tests, but this young woman was neither particularly attractive, nor personable.

Oh, I recall taking her to a movie, but I must admit it wasn't a memorable evening. I do know that I never called her, again. That left me with one more name. A woman who lived in Manhattan named Lee.

Intermission

[ntheiroff]

Teach,

Am patiently waiting for Act II !!