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03-14-2016, 11:21 PM
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#1021
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Mad as hell !
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Bridgeport, CT
Posts: 1,136
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Trump trying for the gay vote'
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03-16-2016, 09:13 PM
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#1022
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Refugee from Bowie
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,598
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A set of jumper cables walks in to a crowded bar and ask for a drink...
Ok says the bartender, i'll serve you but don't start anything.
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03-19-2016, 05:02 PM
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#1023
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 138
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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03-20-2016, 08:24 AM
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#1024
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Canadian since 51
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,458
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I heard on the news that there is a new cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse.
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03-20-2016, 09:09 AM
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#1025
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Diez meses en Port St. Lucie, FL; two months in the Dominican Republic
Posts: 4,355
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A fourth grade boy was learning about democracy.He didn't quite understand the concept, so his teacher told him to ask his family to explain it.
When he asked his father about democracy, his dad said"Let me explain.I,as the father, am the current government and your mother is the opposition.Our maid, Maria represents the workers and your baby brother is the future".
Later that night, the boy's baby brother had an accident in his diaper.The boy took his little brother to his mother but she was asleep.He looked for his dad but found him having sex with the maid Maria.He then took his little brother back to the room.
The next day the teacher asked him what he found out.The boy replied"Now, I know what democracy is.The government is screwing the workers, the opposition is asleep and the future Is full of crap!".
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03-21-2016, 07:14 PM
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#1026
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 138
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The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed
and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been
through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ..
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.
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03-21-2016, 08:34 PM
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#1027
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,887
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Rookies
I heard on the news that there is a new cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse.
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Thank DOG!
Dyslexics of the world untie!
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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03-22-2016, 04:38 PM
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#1028
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dGnr8
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Niagara, Ontario
Posts: 3,023
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WHAT CAUSES Arthritis ?
A drunk man who smelled of sweat and stale beer sat down on a subway car next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was flushed and plastered with red lipstick. A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a cleanliness." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned." Then he returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answers: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
__________________
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The great menace to progress is not ignorance but the illusion of knowledge - Daniel J. Boorstin
The takers get the honey, the givers sing the blues - Robin Trower, Too Rolling Stoned - 1974
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03-24-2016, 05:33 PM
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#1029
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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03-24-2016, 06:19 PM
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#1030
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Traded By Cubs
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: 2 miles north of Wrigley Field
Posts: 5,339
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by ldiatone
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SO FUNNY! Had to share! (Thank yuh. Thank you veruh much.)
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03-24-2016, 07:26 PM
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#1031
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Traded By Cubs
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: 2 miles north of Wrigley Field
Posts: 5,339
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by ldiatone
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You can do anything, except step on my blue suede shoes, and violate Sharia Law.
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03-24-2016, 09:59 PM
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#1032
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,887
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__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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03-24-2016, 10:33 PM
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#1033
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10,999
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by myhorse1
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.
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Good news! I turn 64, tomorrow. 
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
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03-25-2016, 05:26 PM
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#1034
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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03-26-2016, 01:40 PM
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#1035
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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