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Old 04-18-2023, 11:32 AM   #1
PressThePace
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Balancing Horses and Family Time

Haven’t seen many posts regarding this topic, so here goes.

I have been an active handicapper and horseplayer for over 30 years. I’m 51 and now have all 5 kids out of the house. Professionally, I’m a successful HS basketball coach, which if you don’t know, takes up an inordinate amount of time. But, when I’m not working, I want to dive into PP’s, past and present, whether I’m actively gambling or not. Love the game. Love the stimulation it provides. Must be a competitive thing, not sure. I’ve been profitable for many years now, but nothing extraordinary that would allow me to go further with it. Simply don’t have the time, as I’m searching for spots.

My issue that I need help with is being able to balance my time. The way I see it, this “game” allows me to decompress. I’m in a high-profile position in a medium sized community. I spend lots of time kissing babies and shaking hands, constantly taking phone calls and being surrounded by people. So, when I am home, I only want to “decompress”, fire up the laptop, and experience my own personal bliss. One problem…my wife. She has few hobbies and wants my time when I walk through the door. She has recently been dealing with some health issues, preventing her from working as much as she’d like. She’s finding herself getting bored. I completely get it and I want to show her empathy and give her the time she deserves. But, I also want “my time”. It just seems I don’t have that much time to go around. When family gatherings take place at our house, I find myself wanting to go in the other room and get my fix. Like I said, not so much a gambling issue as I don’t feel the need to actually place a bet. I just want to escape, I guess.

I’m interested in the experiences of others here. Any advice is welcomed. This has been an issue with me for as long as I can remember. How do I get this balance I’m looking for? Also open to any books, podcasts, etc.

Thanks for listening,

PTP
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Old 04-18-2023, 01:09 PM   #2
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I hear you loud and clear. The way I've found better balance is to focus the time I dedicate to racing on specific types of races. That has two advantages.

1. I can potentially be more informed about those races than people looking at all types of races.

2. I don't have to put a lot of time into watching replays, handicapping and doing other work for races outside my area of focus. So I have more leisure time.

The main disadvantage is less gambling action, but if the goal is better balance, this is one approach.
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Old 04-18-2023, 02:36 PM   #3
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When you are the studious type, horse racing becomes the sort of all-consuming "hobby" that makes the 'balanced life' a near impossibility. This isn't a hobby like tennis or golf, where you pick up a racket or a club and go out and have some fun with your friends...and then you put down the racket or the club and go on with the rest of your life. Horse racing gets into your blood and your mind...and if you let it, it will permeate everything else that you do. It's no accident that so many serious horseplayers are divorced and despised.

I am 10 years older than you...and I have tried to juggle work, home and horse racing all my adult life. Because I took horse racing seriously at a younger age, I can't help but think now that this "missappropriation" of time and priorities made me a lesser husband and father than I could/should have been. And now that I am retired, I have all the time that I need to become the "ideal" horseplayer...but the time for me to become the ideal husband and father has passed me by.

Tend to your wife's needs if she is of ill health...and postpone your own "decompression" needs for a more opportune time. I promise you that you will be retired before you know it...and then you will have all the time in the world to figure out the handicapping and betting puzzle. This game will always be there...but our loved ones may not.
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Old 04-18-2023, 03:15 PM   #4
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I can relate, I stayed away from any relationships while I gambled for a living because I didn't think it would be fair to a wife. Then when I walked away from the gambling part of it because I wanted to get married I still worked on version 2 of On-Target for about the first 12 or 13 years of my marriage. So full time regular day job in IT and then just about all of those decompression spare moments were writing code in my home office. Then after 12 years working for a fortune 20 I went through a layoff and within 6 months of that I was separated. Found another job but the die was cast at that point as far as the marriage went, so now divorced and paying child support for both kids until they turn 21 (thanks NY) my oldest turned 21 on the 15th, he's living with me, youngest is living with his mom. I don't know what kind of advice I'm qualified to give. I think one useful thing is if you're a morning person and she isn't then get up at the crack of dawn and get your handicapping out of the way. The decompression / escape part I really relate to. It's bad because we disengage with everyone when we do that but we almost do it to survive mentally, if that makes sense.
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Old 04-18-2023, 04:02 PM   #5
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It is all about compromise. You don't want to be selfish to your wife but you don't want to be selfish to your self. It sounds like you are fine financially which is a huge plus. Not sure what you are currently doing with racing (2 or 3 hours a day for multiple days or one 10 hour day a week, etc.)

The biggest emotional toll with not being able to devote time to racing is the fact that the lack of effort or commitment is going to cost you from being successful at this game or at least as successful as you want to be. One handicapping blunder or missed troubled trip, can be the difference between tearing up your tickets and collecting a 20 k pick 5. It happens. With me it was often distraction or interruption. I would be at my store myself playing a card and just when it became time to bet a customer who has been in the store for 20 minutes decides he wants service now. Bingo, by the time I am done with the sale the race is off and you know the rest. When you are struggling it is really hard to endure these incidents. When thing are okay financially, they aren't going to hit as hard.

Back to your issue. You need to have the conversation with your wife and figure out a fair compromise. I take it she has no interest in the game? Obviously the best compromise would be for her to have her own small betting account, you provide the expertise and maybe she will love the game. She doesn't even have to handicap. Just give her a laptop and turn on TVG for her. My mother always enjoyed the game even though she went with/for my father. Also isn't Basketball seasonal. Don't you have more time during the off season?

I don't think in general you are going to get the answer you are looking for, because everyone has different needs and expectations. Personally I love racing but have gone 5 or 10 year periods where I never bet a race. I was too busy with other stuff. My goal was to be retired right now and be betting horses daily. At this point I assume I will be working till I am 90. Don't have a problem with that, but not exactly what I planned. Be thankful and feel blessed for your success and good fortune, be fair to your wife and family and at the same time be true to yourself the very best you can. As horse players we all know how consuming this game can be. Fortunately you don't need it to survive, you want to play it for enjoyment. That is the perfect world.
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Old 04-18-2023, 05:28 PM   #6
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Not really in my competence to give you any advice. A bunch of moving parts, and I don't know your situation well, and I'm no relationship pro.

Little things can make a big difference.

Most players have favorite racing circuits, and then there are some slow racing days.

That's a personal decision, but example - Fri/Sat/Sun you may be into the major circuits and then the other days you can afford to watch a boring netflix show for a few hours, take a trip the park on a nice day, or just talk, eat together, and listen a lot?
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Old 04-20-2023, 05:38 PM   #7
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Thank you for all of the responses, fellas. Most of what I take from the comments is what I guess I already knew. My wife and family relationships should always come first. The irony of this is that my greatest strength as a coach is that I've fostered meaningful relationships with the kids I've coached. But, for some reason, my relationships at home haven't been what they should be. I've never understood why its natural to take those relationships for granted. It’s just weird that we can recognize the issue and still do nothing to fix it. My biggest fear is reverting back to my modus operandi. Hopefully reading these comments will be a reminder that I can revert to if things go awry. Also want to say that I appreciate the raw candor of sharing your own experiences with me.

PTP
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Old 04-21-2023, 08:42 AM   #8
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It's all about fairness. My wife knows I am quite possessive about my Saturdays although I will make exceptions depending on the reason (family commitments always wins, needing to be with top friends for a gathering).
After the last we either go out or flop and watch a movie or both and the same with a Sunday most weeks when I suggest whatever seems good to share whether it be sitting in the sun, going for a drive or catch up with friends or family
It works for us.
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Old 04-21-2023, 02:46 PM   #9
Aerocraft67
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There's no getting around the singular concentration of proper handicapping. You have to carve time for it out of something else for sure. It's very mutually exclusive to pretty much anything else.

Much of your battle is for time to yourself generally, given your very public and social day job. So that raises the stakes of your personal leisure time, particularly in competition with your family time.

Last thing I want to do—more accurately, to be seen doing—on a sunny Saturday afternoon is sit at the same damn desk I do all week for work to handicap. Not a good look. Doesn't feel good. Like a listless teen wasting away on video games. And I'm a little older than you.

But that's when and where the PPs and races are. I've managed to identify a big race or two on a Saturday that I need to be present for, and allocate some handicapping time for, but otherwise attending to family stuff. Beyond being completely chained to my desk, obsessed, and checked out, my wife tolerates it much better if she can anticipate it, particularly if its scheduled.

Beyond that, I guess you need to pick your spots. Is there any time free for you that's less free for your family? Maybe some time when everyone's doing their own thing? That's the time to handicap. I suspect there's not much of that time, and it might not be ideal for handicapping, but it's a way to opportunistically approach the problem.

Not that you want to encourage family isolation. "Sure, junior, have another round of Minecraft," while you resume poring over $5k claimers at Charles Town.
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Old 04-21-2023, 03:55 PM   #10
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[QUOTE=Aerocraft67;2871757
Not that you want to encourage family isolation. "Sure, junior, have another round of Minecraft," while you resume poring over $5k claimers at Charles Town.[/QUOTE]

Hahaha
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Old 04-21-2023, 09:23 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aerocraft67 View Post
There's no getting around the singular concentration of proper handicapping. You have to carve time for it out of something else for sure. It's very mutually exclusive to pretty much anything else.

Much of your battle is for time to yourself generally, given your very public and social day job. So that raises the stakes of your personal leisure time, particularly in competition with your family time.
This completely hits the nail on the head for me.
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Old 04-21-2023, 10:38 PM   #12
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Changing Times

I have found that online wagering/handicapping has improved my balance
of home life and horse race betting. This is nothing new. My frequenting race books locally
for cash wagering has dwindled down to nothing after close to 20 years of internet capping.
All wagering goes directly to and from my (our) bank account. No secrets.
The wins and losses are out in the open.

It took me little time to realize that comparing 24/7 access to viewing and wagering at close to every race track across the planet, far outweighs the social experience in "cash only" satellite wagering facilities. I can easily sacrifice the "ambience" at a live facility

Besides, whenever I do make a rare appearance at a race book, I'm buried in
my laptop - as soon as I can find a good power outlet with decent wifi.

Last edited by horses4courses; 04-21-2023 at 10:39 PM.
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Old 04-22-2023, 01:01 AM   #13
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Funny that I have an easy answer that worked well for me for decades until it was a moot point. I just got by on less sleep that the average human. As soon as the wife (many years ago) fell asleep I would get back up, bust out the Racing Form or charts to calculate variants and get to work. I am sure I have shared stories of my loser nephew. Back in the day my divorced sister and her 3 kids would come to visit from Idaho, 3 weeks every summer. Noah who was once a 12 year old bright kid would tell my sister, "I want to be like Uncle Bob, he never works and always has a pocket full of $100 bills.



Whenever he would visit I would just go work in my on the property machine shop, after the everyone was asleep, then get my 3 hours sleep, rinse and repeat. Since most people can't function that way, TAKE CARE OF YOUR SICK WIFE! MAKE HER YOUR #1 PRIORITY! I AM SURE SHE WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME. Sorry for yelling, hope she gets well soon.
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Old 04-22-2023, 02:39 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PressThePace View Post
Haven’t seen many posts regarding this topic, so here goes.

I have been an active handicapper and horseplayer for over 30 years. I’m 51 and now have all 5 kids out of the house. Professionally, I’m a successful HS basketball coach, which if you don’t know, takes up an inordinate amount of time. But, when I’m not working, I want to dive into PP’s, past and present, whether I’m actively gambling or not. Love the game. Love the stimulation it provides. Must be a competitive thing, not sure. I’ve been profitable for many years now, but nothing extraordinary that would allow me to go further with it. Simply don’t have the time, as I’m searching for spots.

My issue that I need help with is being able to balance my time. The way I see it, this “game” allows me to decompress. I’m in a high-profile position in a medium sized community. I spend lots of time kissing babies and shaking hands, constantly taking phone calls and being surrounded by people. So, when I am home, I only want to “decompress”, fire up the laptop, and experience my own personal bliss. One problem…my wife. She has few hobbies and wants my time when I walk through the door. She has recently been dealing with some health issues, preventing her from working as much as she’d like. She’s finding herself getting bored. I completely get it and I want to show her empathy and give her the time she deserves. But, I also want “my time”. It just seems I don’t have that much time to go around. When family gatherings take place at our house, I find myself wanting to go in the other room and get my fix. Like I said, not so much a gambling issue as I don’t feel the need to actually place a bet. I just want to escape, I guess.

I’m interested in the experiences of others here. Any advice is welcomed. This has been an issue with me for as long as I can remember. How do I get this balance I’m looking for? Also open to any books, podcasts, etc.

Thanks for listening,

PTP
I’m not a successful high school basketball coach, or even an unsuccessful one. But I do follow the local team closely and I am friends with the varsity coach. Most likely you’re not just the coach. Unless you are at one of the big prep schools, the position just doesn’t pay enough. Our coach is a guidance counselor at the school.

For those who don’t know, you don’t have downtime during the season. Besides your day job you have practices everyday and games two to three times a week. But as you know, high school basketball is no longer confined to a few months in the winter. Almost as soon as the season ends there are several weeks of AAU ball. June is a big time for summer leagues and tournaments. Teams play two or three games a day, five or six days a week.

We host the largest summer tournament in the state of Illinois each June. A live event with 50+ teams attended by 100s of college coaches including programs like Duke, Kansas, UCLA etc.

I don’t have any advice about your problem except to say I understand the difficulty you are facing.
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Old 04-22-2023, 02:50 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PressThePace View Post
Haven’t seen many posts regarding this topic, so here goes.

I have been an active handicapper and horseplayer for over 30 years. I’m 51 and now have all 5 kids out of the house. Professionally, I’m a successful HS basketball coach, which if you don’t know, takes up an inordinate amount of time. But, when I’m not working, I want to dive into PP’s, past and present, whether I’m actively gambling or not. Love the game. Love the stimulation it provides. Must be a competitive thing, not sure. I’ve been profitable for many years now, but nothing extraordinary that would allow me to go further with it. Simply don’t have the time, as I’m searching for spots.

My issue that I need help with is being able to balance my time. The way I see it, this “game” allows me to decompress. I’m in a high-profile position in a medium sized community. I spend lots of time kissing babies and shaking hands, constantly taking phone calls and being surrounded by people. So, when I am home, I only want to “decompress”, fire up the laptop, and experience my own personal bliss. One problem…my wife. She has few hobbies and wants my time when I walk through the door. She has recently been dealing with some health issues, preventing her from working as much as she’d like. She’s finding herself getting bored. I completely get it and I want to show her empathy and give her the time she deserves. But, I also want “my time”. It just seems I don’t have that much time to go around. When family gatherings take place at our house, I find myself wanting to go in the other room and get my fix. Like I said, not so much a gambling issue as I don’t feel the need to actually place a bet. I just want to escape, I guess.

I’m interested in the experiences of others here. Any advice is welcomed. This has been an issue with me for as long as I can remember. How do I get this balance I’m looking for? Also open to any books, podcasts, etc.

Thanks for listening,

PTP
Could you include your wife in your hobby? Talk to her about what you are doing. Explain your methods and why they work for you. Maybe arrange an outing to the track with friends. Your time (singular) could become our time.
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