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Old 10-23-2014, 08:31 AM   #601
sammy the sage
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A friend of mine had a question "Will I Live to see 80?"
(Here's something to think about.) She recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, the Doctor said she was doing fairly well for her age (which was past Seventy).
A little concerned about that comment, my friend couldn't resist asking, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
The Doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' she replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then the Doctor asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
She said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' She said.
The Doctor asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' she said...


The Doctor then looked at her and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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Old 10-23-2014, 08:38 AM   #602
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Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “ Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? S$#& ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
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Old 10-23-2014, 08:58 PM   #603
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I couldn't think of a better place to put this, even though it is not a joke.

Funny story: I just started a new book. Since I am such a horrible typist, I dictate using Dragon Naturally Speaking. When I got the dinner call, I forgot to turn dictation off. It continued to pick up sounds - voices, television, George (the cockatoo) and the dogs.

I come back into my office and the Dragon has opened Diamond Mind Baseball as is playing a game. LOL
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Old 10-23-2014, 11:17 PM   #604
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh ! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she inquired, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Old 10-23-2014, 11:41 PM   #605
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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen
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Old 10-23-2014, 11:48 PM   #606
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An atheist approaches a holy man and challenges him.

"I'll give you an orange if you can show me where God is."

The holy man replies, "I'll give you two oranges if you can show me where He is not."
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Old 10-23-2014, 11:52 PM   #607
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President Obama was walking along with a beautiful dog. A gentleman came up to the President and said, "My, what a lovely dog!" The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Michelle." To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade."
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Old 10-24-2014, 12:16 AM   #608
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A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedabout it......"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree'n dirty tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes a hunnert. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"
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Old 10-24-2014, 10:07 AM   #609
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Those were good! Thanks!
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 10-24-2014, 02:56 PM   #610
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Sex Tips For Seniors.

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them all off.

4. Make sure you put 911 on speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on palm of hand is case you can't remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want, the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Old is when your sweetheart says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you reply, "Pick one or the other, I can't do both."
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Old 10-29-2014, 11:59 PM   #611
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A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.



The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.



The man persisted and asked to see the manager.






The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.






Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy
half a head of lettuce.'







As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'







The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.






Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'







‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.






'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.






The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'






‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'






‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'


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Old 10-30-2014, 11:34 AM   #612
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Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.

No Balls.......No baby!

Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 10-31-2014, 01:17 AM   #613
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A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex".

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex".

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered...... "I'll take the soup".
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Old 10-31-2014, 01:22 AM   #614
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, " $200 are you out of your mind ?"
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Old 10-31-2014, 01:32 AM   #615
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Happy Halloween...

Two guys are invited to a costume party and have arranged a very fancy costume as a cow, one being the front legs and head and the other taking body and back legs.

Since this is somewhat awkward traveling to the party they take a shortcut through a local farmer's field. About two thirds of the way across the first guy, the only one who can see much of the surroundings comes to an abrupt halt. "What's the matter?" says his buddy from somewhere underneath.

"I just realized there's a bull in this field. He's pawing the ground and looking very interested in us."

"What do we do?" the other answers. "Can we make it to the fence?"

"That fence is quite a long ways off yet. Oh, hell. Here is is heading over our way."

"For Chrissake man, what are our options?"

"Well, I'm going to try to be real casual and bend over like I'm eating grass. You... you better brace yourself."
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