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01-28-2021, 12:34 AM
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#1606
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10,999
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Guy goes for a checkup.
Doctor says, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“But why?”
“Because I’m trying to give you an examination.”
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
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02-24-2021, 04:27 AM
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#1607
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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DODGE CITY PEACE COMMISSION 1883
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ah recksons theys a aimin to clean up Dodge City
sos the good folks in the town can live they lives real peacable like
ah reckons Wyatt Earp will take care of them no good 2 bit gunslingers
them dirty, lowdown, thievin, no account, 2 bit gunslingers will be a trembin with fear when they face off against the Commission
an iffen they doan scare so easy les a jus sees how well they can a sling them guns when theys a 6 foot under
it's the most iconic photo in the archives of the Old West
Wyatt Earp is 2nd from left seated - Bat Masterson is 3rd from left standing
*
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believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
Last edited by Half Smoke; 02-24-2021 at 04:30 AM.
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02-25-2021, 05:19 AM
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#1608
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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....................
it is against the loooooow to play music on the street without a lieconse
especially if a minky is grabbing the money
*
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believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
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02-26-2021, 12:35 AM
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#1609
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Librocubicularist
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10,466
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
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And an all female jury ruled it was justifiable homicide.
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Sapere aude
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02-26-2021, 05:12 AM
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#1610
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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......................
the man has a deep understanding and a deep appreciation for McDonalds
__________________
believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
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02-27-2021, 04:13 AM
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#1611
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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.......................
fondly remembering the sounds of dial up internet
all the while hope, hope, hoping you could actually get on
and if you did get on then you were:
hope, hope, hoping it would load your page in less than 5 minutes
get off the internet - I'm on the phone
*
__________________
believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
Last edited by Half Smoke; 02-27-2021 at 04:15 AM.
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03-23-2021, 05:11 AM
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#1612
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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...............................
hippyish slang from back in the day -
wow man, the dude's hash had me trippin......................................wow man - that's FAR OUT............... that's really FAR OUT
everything about her is real GROOVY
let's drive over and get that new Stones album...........................CAN YOU DIG IT............................I heard it's OUTTA SIGHT
failed that math test dude.....................WHAT A BUMMER
Soul Brother slang from back in the day
you a JIVE TURKEY
I HEARD THAT.......................I HEARD THAT
wow........dude................YOU REALLY TOOK ME THRU SOME CHANGES
before we do that we gotta check with THE MAN
SIGNIFY
and believe or not, my favorite of all - Valley Girl stuff
LIKE TOTALLY................................needs no explanation
GRODY.........................................that GRODY store wouldn't let me return my ra ra skirt
AS IF I'm going to let that NOID (instead of nerd) take my top off
BARF ME OUT..................GAG ME WITH A SPOON.................needs no explanation
don't talk about me like that..........................BAG YOUR FACE
he's a DWEEB
don't talk to me like that......................you need to TAKE A CHILL PILL
she's got a BITCHIN bod
I've got to get to the spa...................look at my GNARLY toenails
*
__________________
believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
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03-24-2021, 09:44 PM
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#1613
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,912
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So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 😢
I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me 😒
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 😳
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03-25-2021, 09:36 AM
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#1614
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Central New Jersey
Posts: 1,467
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Schwartz
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 😢
I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me 😒
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 😳
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Finally, back to some real humor. Good one Dave. It wasn't a true story, was it?
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03-25-2021, 11:20 AM
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#1615
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,912
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Longshot6977
Finally, back to some real humor. Good one Dave. It wasn't a true story, was it?
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LOL
Alas, not a true story.
Just a copy-and-paste but I'm still laughing every time I read it.
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04-05-2021, 03:23 PM
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#1616
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10,999
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The year is 1973.
Angelo was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Italy. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Italy? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & hot and full of pushy Italians. You're crazy to go to Italy. So, how are you getting there?"
“We're taking Alitalia” said Angelo. “We got a great rate!" "Alitalia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they had a crash landing last summer. So, where are you staying in Italy?"
"We'll be in Rome at the St. Regis."
“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go touring, we are definitely going to stop at the Vatican and we hope to see Pope."
“That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and millions of other people trying to see him. As if that could ever possibly happen. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, Angelo came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Italy...
"It was wonderful," said Angelo ,"not only were we on one of Alitalia’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. Security was top notch. The food and wine were wonderful, and We had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, apparently a Swiss guard overheard my wife mention to the tour guide that as President of her Daughter’s of Italy chapter, over 60,000 dollars had been raised for underprivileged children.He tapped her on the shoulder and asked if we would be so kind as to step into a private room because someone wanted to thank her. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope himself walked through the door and shook our hands! He then said a few words of thanks to my wife and kissed her on both cheeks.”
“He then leaned over very close to me-and whispered something in my ear.”
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, “Where'd you get that lousy haircut?”
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
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04-05-2021, 06:09 PM
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#1617
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,869
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Johnny decided to go to the beach to meet some women.
After two days, he had no luck and lamented to hid friend, Harry.
Harry thought for a minute and said, "Try this. Get a potato and put it in your speedo. You should get a lot of attention."
The next night, Johnny met Harry at the bar and told him that all that happened was people laughed at him all day!
Harry thought for a minute and the said, "Try it one more day, but tomorrow, put the potato in the FRONT of your speedo!"
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Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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04-20-2021, 05:03 AM
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#1618
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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...................
exactly how I felt when I made my first Crypto purchase
__________________
believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
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05-07-2021, 06:40 AM
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#1619
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,287
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jock celebrates...................(~:\
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best YT racing vid I've ever seen
*
__________________
believe only half of what you see.....and nothing that you hear..................Edgar Allan Poe
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05-14-2021, 02:59 AM
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#1620
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10,999
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FUN FACT: a majority of archeologists are women due to their natural ability to dig up the past.
__________________
All I needed in life I learned from Gary Larson.
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