HUMOR

[Rwahi1]

A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

[sammy the sage]

Clean humor...well at least fit for tv...

Hollywood Squares

These questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No.Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Rwahi1]

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

[OntheRail]

A blonde is driving down a country road when she notices another blonde in the middle of a field in a row boat... using the oars to get herself to the other side of the field. Fuming the blonde stops her car by the side of the road and storms up to the fence then starts shouting at the other blonde "YOU KNOW ITS STUPID DUMB BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE ALL US BLONDES A BAD NAME AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD PUNCH YOU ON THE NOSE"

[OntheRail]

A primate biologist finds an orphan male gorilla in the African rain forest and decides to raise it as a human. He teaches it to do everything except speak - but it can wear clothes, dance, eat with utensils, drive a car, go to the office and work, play golf, etc. Arnold Palmer reads about it on CNN and decides enough is enough so he challenges the gorilla to a golf game for a grand pot of one million dollars and a bonus of $100,000 per hole. Word leaks out and the media shows up from all over the world, headlines blaring, "Arnold Palmer vs. Ape Man - Match of a Lifetime!"

The gorilla shows up alone except for the biologist, who acts as his interpreter. Palmer shows up with over fifty people in his entourage. The gorilla is wearing a complete set of golf togs, accurate down to his shoes and has a complete set of Callaway golf clubs. Arnold is pretty disgusted so he readily agrees to let the gorilla go first. Hole 1 is a 430 yard, par 5, with three sand traps and a dogleg to the left to make par. The gorilla steps up to the tee, checks the wind, and proceeds to hit a massive drive, which sails out to make a vast hook to the left and eventually drops to the green, finally rolling perfectly to make a hole in one.

Arnold is smart enough to know a good thing when he sees it and quickly decides discretion is the better part of valor so he concedes the match. After the press departs, he quietly pulls the biologist aside and says, "He drives like no one in the history of golf - how is his putting game?". The biologist replies a bit slyly, "Same way, 430 yards, dog-leg to the left."

[Rwahi1]

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

[Rookies]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She
proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest, Patrick. Poor Patrick.


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Patrick quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring.

[Rookies]

I just knew it!

I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

• Vitamin E 3%
• Aspirin 2%
• Ibuprofen 2%
• Vitamin C 1%
• Spray Starch 5%
• Fix-A-Flat 87%

[Rookies]

This year's Christmas Party from HR

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December
23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah
is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and
no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will
be allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended
by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no
evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!!
We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you
like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest
from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell

------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

[ldiatone]

Originally Posted by Rwahi1

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

ahhh them damn chefs!

[HUSKER55]

WHAT is the difference between Jay Cutler and a dollar bill?



A> you can get 4 quarters out of a dollar bill

[HUSKER55]

heard this on tv the other night:

what the Kardashions lack in scoial and intellectual skills they make up for in storage.

[TJDave]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

She poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it
too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you?"


"Here it comes."

[HUSKER55]

[Rwahi1]

Four blondes are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, "14 weeks," then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the blondes, "What's the deal?" One blonde says, "Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said 'two to six years,' and we did it in 14 weeks!"