HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

http://eater.com/archives/2014/08/06...mall-child.php

Apparently, after waiting in line in front of a careless mother and her screaming small child, a man who was having a bad day (and had a headache) decided to ruin that family's day: The child was screaming "I want f@#%$#@ pie!" so the man bought up every last pie — all 23 of them — and walked out of the Burger King location, turning only to see the enraged mother and child, helpless as the cashier told them that the restaurant had just sold out of pie.

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

Apparently, after waiting in line in front of a careless mother and her screaming small child, a man who was having a bad day (and had a headache) decided to ruin that family's day: The child was screaming "I want f@#%$#@ pie!" so the man bought up every last pie — all 23 of them — and walked out of the Burger King location, turning only to see the enraged mother and child, helpless as the cashier told them that the restaurant had just sold out of pie.

No pie for you. GREAT STORY!!!


So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a ****ing PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much. Things immediately go back to the they were and I wait another 5 minutes before getting to the front of the line. It turns out it was so slow because they had 1 trainee on cash during the lunch hour rush. All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

[IrishRail76]

Sometimes, when I'm alone I think about......


........my wife, and I touch myself.


This involves me repeatedly slapping my hand against my forehead.

[HUSKER55]

did you know you are the only one who does that?

[Rwahi1]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[magwell]

The War between the French and the British…

During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose
to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."






Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

Along time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason
British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show...
…and the men they are leading won't panic.






And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants!

[Rwahi1]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[HUSKER55]

HEARD These on a late night show....

you might be a redneck if you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

you might be a redneck if you use a toilet bowl brush for a back scratch er

you might be a redneck if your wife wore a leopard skin outfit for her wedding

you might be a redneck if you gift wrapped a truck tire for a Xmas present

[sammy the sage]

Peeing on the Flowers


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?"

"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK.. Good luck!" "Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Clocker]

You might be a redneck if your wife and your girlfriend are related.

[magwell]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”

[IrishRail76]

The Medical School Entrance Exam:

When I was young, my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."



Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

[Rwahi1]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[HUSKER55]

good one!

[Rwahi1]

Old man in a nursing home. Kids come to visit and as they are leaving the nurse comes in with two pills for dad. A sleeping pill and a viagra pill. Curious, the kids ask why this strange combination of pills is being given to their dad. The nurse explains that the sleeping pill is to help him sleep and the viagra pill is to keep him from rolling out of bed.