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12-02-2018, 01:51 AM
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#1381
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Seattle
Posts: 3,943
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Post in the comment section of an article arguing whether Alabama could beat an NFL team:
Nick Saban was unable to beat NFL teams with an NFL team.
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12-03-2018, 10:51 AM
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#1382
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gelding
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 8,883
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12-11-2018, 02:23 PM
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#1383
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Two were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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12-11-2018, 02:24 PM
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#1384
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing - he's Gladiator!
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Two cannibals are eating a PlayStation user.
One says to the other, "I dunno...a little too gamey for me."
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What’s a cannibal’s favorite dessert? Lady fingers.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
Last edited by ldiatone; 12-11-2018 at 02:26 PM.
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12-11-2018, 02:28 PM
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#1385
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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A cranky older woman “in her senior years” was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches, you old fool.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
“I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store,” she huffed.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas.”
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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12-11-2018, 03:03 PM
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#1386
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,911
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Had to share that one!
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12-16-2018, 12:29 AM
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#1387
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 17,095
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When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who said SPINE are physicians today. The rest of us went to the Corner Bar for a pitcher of beer...
__________________
A man's got to know his limitations. -- Dirty Harry
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12-16-2018, 08:04 PM
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#1388
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get
into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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12-22-2018, 06:28 PM
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#1389
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 14,478
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I did not look at the last 100 posts in this thread, so enjoy this if it is not in them.
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12-27-2018, 09:50 PM
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#1390
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: central fla.
Posts: 4,874
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I was sitting there after work. Hitting my beer, flipping through soft porn, fishing and your channel (jokes). You know chilling. Wifie on couch me in recliner. Her knitting scarfs and stuff. Grand babies. Any who i flipping between channels porn, fishing, jokes. Sipping my beer. Smelling supper. All of a sudden all rude like, just blurts out (Like a fog horn) "I wish you would leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish and joke!
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got handed a lemon...make lemonade....add sugar or brown sugar or stevia or my personal favorite....miracle fruit....google it...thank me later...
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12-27-2018, 11:28 PM
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#1391
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,371
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Obama and Clinton follow Trump into a Bar. The Bartender looks up and says...
What is this some kind of a joke...
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.
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12-28-2018, 09:09 AM
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#1392
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 17,095
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch. The bartender tells him he'll have to get in line. The man looks around, but there is no punch line.
__________________
A man's got to know his limitations. -- Dirty Harry
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12-28-2018, 11:04 AM
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#1393
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Diez meses en Port St. Lucie, FL; two months in the Dominican Republic
Posts: 4,355
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The telephone company hired three crews to install ten telephone poles apiece,after a tornado had knocked many of them down.The crews were Italians, Irish and Polish.At the end of the day, the Italian crew came back to headquarters, followed a few minutes later by the Irish bunch.However the Polish guys were nowhere to be found.The next day the Poles were still a no show.When the third day came and went, the phone company sent a supervisor to investigate.When the supervisor saw them, he wanted to know what happened.Casmir, the crew boss said"We just finished installing the third pole".The phone company guy said"The first two crews installed their 10 in one day.Why is it taking you so long?" Casmir replied"Well listen, those guys cheated.They only placed their poles a few feet under the ground, then left.WE made sure they were completely buried before we started installing a new pole".
__________________
"But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. "
Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well, Part 1 (1969)
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01-04-2019, 05:14 PM
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#1394
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Written across the wall of the cave was a line of symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smartenough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left...
It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the *** on that chick".
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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01-05-2019, 01:58 PM
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#1395
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,861
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True story.
Today, on Down The Stretch They Come on SiriusXM, Bill Finley commented that the races at PArx were over a very sloppy track and the horses were coming home very slowly.
Dave Johnson asked their guest, a trainer, who has a horse in the 4th at PRX today when he thought of her chances in the off going.
"She should do good today. She loves the slop and she is very slow!"
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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