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Old 08-18-2013, 12:11 PM   #61
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A guy goes to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor tells him that he is obese and needs to do something about it right away.

"But I don't weigh that much." he told the Doc.
"It's not what you weigh, it is your body mass index that counts." he was told.
"What is that?" he asked.

"It's a ratio between your height and your weight," the doc said and he showed the guy a chart. "For your height, this is what your weight should be."

The doctor then told him what foods he should avoid if he wanted lose weight.

The guys goes home after the check up and his wife asks him,"What did the doctor tell you, Honey?"

"I have to get taller." he told her.
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Old 08-18-2013, 07:22 PM   #62
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THE OSTRICH!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:58 PM   #63
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Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:05 PM   #64
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Food for thought (low-cal).

Oxymorons


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Th-th-that's all, folks
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:30 AM   #65
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A man walks into a bank puts on a mask walks to the teller pulls out a gun and then the masks slips down off his face. He quickly puts the mask back on. He says to the teller did you see my face the teller is terrified, says yes and the man shoots him. The man turns to the tellers assistant and ask did you see my face and the terrified teller also says yes and the man shoots her. In line next to the man was an elderly couple and the man asks the husband did you see my face? The old man replys no I swear to god I didnt he hesitated and then replies but MY WIFE DID............
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Old 08-20-2013, 10:05 AM   #66
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A few more oxymora:

Why do the generals in the army eat in a private mess hall, and the privates in a general mess hall?

If it's a classified ad, why is it publicly published?

Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why, when we transport stuff by car is it called a shipment and when we transport it by ship is it called cargo?

Jumbo shrimp

plastic silverware

good grief

quite a few

pretty ugly

freezer burn

Why are hemorroids called hemorroids and asteroids called asteroids? Shouldn't that be the other way around?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends on a shelf and take away all but one, is it and odd or an end?

If firefighters fight fire, what do freedomfighters fight?

If pro is the opposite of con and progress means moving forward, what does Congress mean?

Ok enough.
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:18 AM   #67
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You might be a redneck if you use a toilet bowl cleaner for a back scratcher.
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:38 AM   #68
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A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.
But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "Well, my mom died."

He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:42 AM   #69
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You might be a redneck if your wife and your girl friend are related.
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Old 08-20-2013, 12:13 PM   #70
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I searched the local tech school for some computer marketing and web page building and etc.

When I used their search function, "BASIC ANETHISIA" came up.

Is that an omen?
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 08-20-2013, 02:32 PM   #71
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Blondes

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:20 PM   #72
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The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:50 PM   #73
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“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:05 PM   #74
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Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.

No Balls.......No baby!

Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:39 PM   #75
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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