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Old 03-14-2015, 11:49 PM   #781
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The sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.

"Are you taking anything for it?"


The woman nodded, "Pepper.
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Old 03-18-2015, 01:09 PM   #782
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.


She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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Old 03-21-2015, 02:21 PM   #783
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The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, unfortunately, I have some bad news”.











The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.











The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.











The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”











The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary
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Old 03-22-2015, 12:46 AM   #784
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I did not.. it is trick photography
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No Balls.......No baby!

Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 03-22-2015, 02:16 PM   #785
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No a simple misunderstanding..

Tycoon Played by Bill Clinton ..

Bill.. Now your Honor, The simple truth is I was preforming a lifesaving maneuver.

See Monica had been chocking on a wiener.. well according to the Federally mandated safety posters we have in the lunchroom. Said I'm to approach from behind grasp around chest and thrust. I was giving it all I had and she come too. Honest Your Honor...

From the back of the Court a ruckus was heard. BiilBob said 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't how'd I seed it dun brother!'
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:45 PM   #786
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GOOD ONE!
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Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.

No Balls.......No baby!

Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 03-24-2015, 10:14 AM   #787
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After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife oneday and said,"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bedand watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep everynight with a hot 21-year-old girl.


Now ... I have a $800,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bedand a large screen 55" TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.So I said to my wife, it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."




My wife is a very reasonable woman.. She told me to go out and find ahot 21-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once againbe living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bedand watching a 10-inch black and white TV.




Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems..
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Old 03-26-2015, 05:28 AM   #788
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A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...



Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
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Old 03-26-2015, 06:10 AM   #789
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A New York lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Jersey copper.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Jersey cops expense!!

Jersey cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
New York Lawyer says, "What for ?"

Jersey cop says, "Ya didnat come ta a complete stop at the stop sign."
New York Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Jersey cop says, "Ya still didnat come ta a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
New York Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Jersey cop says, "The difference is, ya havda come ta a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

Jersey Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Jersey cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The New York Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Jersey cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says,
.


.
"Do ya want me ta stop, or jist slow down?"
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:57 AM   #790
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Tokyo, Japan1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

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Old 04-01-2015, 08:36 AM   #791
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magwell
Tokyo, Japan1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

terrific...
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Old 04-04-2015, 12:49 PM   #792
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read these on another board...

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
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Old 04-04-2015, 12:51 PM   #793
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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
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Old 04-04-2015, 02:59 PM   #794
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a handicapper sitting in the stands holding several $50.00 win tickets on a front runner he considered a "lock" leading by 7 lengths. the speed horse loses his jockey 50 yards short of the finish...as the tickets fall to the ground our handicapper slips quietly into the next world. as he wakes up he listens to a doctor lists his qualifications for admission to Heaven
"look St Peter, i'm a doctor i have healed the sick and cured the lame"
St Peter says "Yes my son but you have also grown arrogant, unfeeling and greedy. You must spend time 'Down Below' next a lawyer. "I have studied long and hard to master the law. To serve the cause of justice, to protect the rights of all mankind" St Peter looks at him and says "You have also borne false witness and coveted all thy neighbors possessions" you will spend time 'Down below' the handicapper hears all of the discussion and turns to follow the other two. St Peter calls him back. "Why do you follow those 2 my son?" "I don't have their education or training. i have never done a great deal for my fellow man...I'm due to spend a long time 'Down below'
"one moment my son..what was your earthly calling"
"Me? I was a handicapper" St.Peter, "You mean you tried to pick winners of a horse race?" "yes". St peter "before the race was run" "yes before the race was run"
St peter shakes his head in disbelief and breaks into a smile as he swings open the Pearly gates and says" You come in my son, you have been through Hell already!!!"
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Old 04-10-2015, 12:11 PM   #795
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Don't mess with old people -- grandpa and the IRS

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