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09-20-2017, 05:50 PM
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#1
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Just another Facist
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Now in Houston
Posts: 52,821
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Humor
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WE ARE THE DUMBEST COUNTRY ON THE PLANET!
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09-21-2017, 09:47 AM
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,519
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If it was just six minutes. I think it's more like ten.
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09-21-2017, 05:59 PM
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#3
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting on the Eastern Shore. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird,an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The
litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
Washington, D.C. and, if you don't let me retrieve
that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes here on The Shore. We settle
small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the
person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and
very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm
of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up.
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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09-21-2017, 06:32 PM
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#4
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Just another Facist
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Now in Houston
Posts: 52,821
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Buddy Hackett lives
__________________
WE ARE THE DUMBEST COUNTRY ON THE PLANET!
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09-21-2017, 08:07 PM
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#5
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@TimeformUSfigs
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Moore, OK
Posts: 46,830
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Funny, but not horse racing. Lets keep it to horse racing if we are going to have a joke thread.
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09-21-2017, 08:23 PM
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#6
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Veteran
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 11,474
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cj
Funny, but not horse racing. Lets keep it to horse racing if we are going to have a joke thread.
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Jorge Navarro walks into Laurel Park.....
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09-22-2017, 03:11 AM
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#7
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longshot kick de bucket
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: niagara falls ont.
Posts: 1,218
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One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sir. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit myself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar myself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes you, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
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let the fools have their tar tar sauce.
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09-22-2017, 12:49 PM
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,176
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Arrogate walks into a bar and orders a double bourbon on the rocks. The bartender sets the drink down and says, "Why the long face?"
__________________
One of the downsides of the Internet is that it allows like-minded people to form communities, and sometimes those communities are stupid.
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09-22-2017, 04:50 PM
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#9
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What in the world was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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09-23-2017, 11:48 AM
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#10
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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With GP's history of timing races, I think the guy has a good shot at a lawsuit!
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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09-23-2017, 03:12 PM
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,519
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
With GP's history of timing races, I think the guy has a good shot at a lawsuit!
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Yeah, they just showed a first quarter split of 40 seconds.
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09-23-2017, 05:24 PM
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#12
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@TimeformUSfigs
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Moore, OK
Posts: 46,830
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Quote:
Originally Posted by garyscpa
Yeah, they just showed a first quarter split of 40 seconds.
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Lovely.
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09-23-2017, 05:32 PM
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#13
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,888
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You sure you weren't watching Finger Lakes?
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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09-23-2017, 07:02 PM
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#14
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@TimeformUSfigs
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Moore, OK
Posts: 46,830
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cj
Lovely.
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I'd damn sure have my video feed programmed to not show splits that were ridiculous like this one.
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09-23-2017, 07:17 PM
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#15
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
Posts: 5,870
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cj
I'd damn sure have my video feed programmed to not show splits that were ridiculous like this one.
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god GP, at this point its like they are trolling us
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