HUMOR

[ldiatone]

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives. He suddenly realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree, nods, and says, 'Mmm. Tree.' The priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and the priest points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and says, 'Mmm. Rock.'

The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling ahead. As they walk further, they see a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is quite flustered and says, 'Man riding a bicycle.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, nods to the priest, pulls out his blowgun and kills both people in the path.

The Priest is totally upset and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replies, 'Mmm. My bicycle.'

[ldiatone]

A man takes his first trip to Hawaii. As he is walking around Honolulu he sees a policeman who appears to be a Hawaiian native so he goes up to him hoping to answer a question that's been nagging him.

"Excuse me sir", he asks, "Is it correctly pronounced Hawaii with a W or Havaii with a V?"

"Havaii", responds the policeman.

"Thank you very much. I have always wondered about the correct pronunciation."

“You're qvite velcome."

[ldiatone]

Rabbi Asher Goldfeder was dying. He sent for his friend, Jesuit Father Fabris, and asked him for a deathbed conversion to Catholicism. Fr. Fabris was very surprised but complied. Rabbi Goldfeder's family were outraged and stormed into his sick-room as soon as the priest left.

Wagging a crafty finger at them, Asher forestalled their reproaches. "I know what I'm doing," he said, impressed by his own cunning. "Better one of them should die, than one of us."

[ldiatone]

How Worcestershire Sauce Got its name.

A big man in town no one wanted to mess with walks into a restaurant. The whole place quiets down. He points at a bottle on the table and asks "What that there sauce?" And everyone replies, "Yup, that's what it is."

[ldiatone]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAbubxs7YKc

[Longshot6977]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAbubxs7YKc

Haha very funny!

[Steve 'StatMan']

Saw a couple good ones (to me) that I just had to share, billed as Dad Humor.

What is red and smells like white paint?

Red Paint.

"Knock, Knock"
"Who's There?"
"Smell Mop"
"Smell Mop Who?"
"Eww! No Thanks!

[ldiatone]

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel,’

The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’

Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.’

[ldiatone]

So the Dali Lama says to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor piles it on the weiner, hands it to the Dali Lama and says, "That will be five dollars."
The Dali Lama hands the vendor a ten dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and pockets the money.
"How about my change?" asks the Dali Lama.
The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

[ldiatone]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would likely be involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We’re in real BIG trouble this time! God's missing, and they think we did it!"

[ldiatone]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6Ox6s1GTSk&t=140s

[dogkatcher]

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: “If you want your
Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day”

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?” I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?”

Without missing a beat he said “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

[Actor]

Old joke. It may even have already been posted on this thread.

Woman in bar: "I'll do anything you want for $200.

Man in bar: "Anything?"

Woman: "Anything!"

Man: "Absolutely anything?"

Woman: "Absolutely anything?"

Man: "Great! Here's $200."

Woman: "What do you want me to do?"

Man: "Paint my house."

[magwell]

At a Retirement center A 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec hall at the home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"





An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"





Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[ldiatone]

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Is it just me but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.