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05-02-2019, 02:33 PM
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#1441
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Houston , Tx.
Posts: 9,586
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Why do they call flights to other countries international?
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05-02-2019, 03:04 PM
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#1442
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,546
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ldiatone
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
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Your workplace.
__________________
Live to play another day.
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05-02-2019, 03:36 PM
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#1443
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Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: near Philadelphia
Posts: 4,560
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A current spin of an old joke:
When Albert Einstein died and went to heaven, his heavenly mansion wasn't ready yet so he was placed in a temporary apartment with three roommates.
His first room roommate had an IQ of 180.
"Great," Einstein proclaimed. "We can talk and discuss the Theory of Relativity."
The second roommate had an IQ of 140.
"Very good," said Einstein. "We can talk about Mensa."
The third roommate had an IQ of 75.
"That's okay too," Einstein said. "We can talk about The Mueller Report.
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05-02-2019, 05:07 PM
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#1444
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,546
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
A current spin of an old joke:
When Albert Einstein died and went to heaven, his heavenly mansion wasn't ready yet so he was placed in a temporary apartment with three roommates.
His first room roommate had an IQ of 180.
"Great," Einstein proclaimed. "We can talk and discuss the Theory of Relativity."
The second roommate had an IQ of 140.
"Very good," said Einstein. "We can talk about Mensa."
The third roommate had an IQ of 75.
"That's okay too," Einstein said. "We can talk about The Mueller Report.
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I thought the 3rd reply would be: "We can talk about betting horses". 
__________________
Live to play another day.
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05-02-2019, 05:10 PM
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#1445
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 17,095
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thaskalos
I thought the 3rd reply would be: "We can talk about betting horses". |
The version I heard was Einstein says, "Hey, how about those Cubs".
__________________
A man's got to know his limitations. -- Dirty Harry
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05-02-2019, 05:53 PM
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#1446
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,810
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The star quarterback failed his math test the week of the big homecoming game.
The coach went to the math professor and pleaded his case.
The professor agreed to let the boy play if he cold pass a one-question make up exam the day of the big game.
The coach hd the kid tutored all week long and finally Saturday came ad so did the math prof.
"Your question is this. How much is 3+4?"
The QB thought deeply and finally he said, "7."
"The coach screamed,"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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05-12-2019, 06:05 PM
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#1447
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Updated nursery rhyme
Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too 'cos he was gay
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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05-12-2019, 06:24 PM
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#1448
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 4,149
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
The star quarterback failed his math test the week of the big homecoming game.
The coach went to the math professor and pleaded his case.
The professor agreed to let the boy play if he cold pass a one-question make up exam the day of the big game.
The coach hd the kid tutored all week long and finally Saturday came ad so did the math prof.
"Your question is this. How much is 3+4?"
The QB thought deeply and finally he said, "7."
"The coach screamed,"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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A variation of Jackie the Jokeman's Give Rodney Another Chance:
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05-12-2019, 07:53 PM
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#1449
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 16,908
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A very wealthy fellow was quite concerned about his dad's recent forgetfulness. In the past few months it had become obvious that he was slipping badly.
Having millions of dollars at his disposal, he found a doctor on the dark web who said a brain transplant was available if he had enough money.
They met, and the doctor asked what kind of brain he wanted. "Kind?"
"Well," the doctor responded. Let me provide you with some choices."
"Here we have a lawyer's brain," said the doctor, holding up the tag. Graduated at the top of his class at Harvard. His brain is $500,000."
"This fellow graduated from Stanford, with a PhD in mathematics. His brain is $600,000."
The continued on for some minutes, perusing the choices and prices. Eventually, they reached one that was labeled, "Horse player, 10th grade education."
The customer chuckled and asked, "How much is this one?"
The doctor looked at the price tag and said, "This one is priced at $12,000,000."
"TWELVE MILLION? How can that be? All these other highly educated men are so much less money? How can a guy with a 10th grade education, and a horse player at that... how can his brain be so much more money?"
The doctor said, "Do you have any idea how many horse players we have to kill to get enough brains for one person?"
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05-22-2019, 04:53 PM
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#1450
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,810
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"How was your trip to the zoo?" asked Mom.
"GREAT! We saw a frickin' elephant!" said Johnny.
"Do you mean an AFRICAN elephant?"
"Oh......yeah, I guess."
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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05-27-2019, 01:43 AM
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#1451
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said.
"There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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05-27-2019, 01:57 AM
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#1452
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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Three animals were having a huge argument, over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength, none in the jungle dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted that he needed neither flight nor strength, to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all - hawk, lion and stinker.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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05-29-2019, 02:00 PM
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#1453
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
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What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasa-bi?
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When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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05-30-2019, 01:38 PM
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#1454
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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An elderly tycoon lay on his deathbed, attended by his wife.
He: "Dear, you know I've always loved you and our four wonderful children; but I have a question and I beseech you to answer honestly".
She: "Yes, my beloved. I promise" .
He: "Well, I've always loved our children equally and without reservation; but I've always wondered about our youngest son, Richard. His sisters, Mary and Darlene, and brother John are frankly physically gorgeous and have always been in top health and at the top of their class intellectually. Richard, on the other hand, is scrawny, always sickly, and frankly a bit of a dim bulb. Dear, I ask you-- is Richard really my son?
She: "As God is my witness, he is your son".
He: Sighs, and dies peacefully, a happy smile on his lips.
She: (Muttering darkly). "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three children instead".
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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05-30-2019, 04:53 PM
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#1455
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Veteran
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 11,474
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