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Old 11-18-2014, 09:16 PM   #676
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A blonde comes home from work, and as she pulls into her driveway, she sees that her front door has been broken open. She grabs her cell phone and calls 911. The 911 operator tells her that there is a car in the area that will be there soon, and to wait out front.

As it happens, the closest officer is a K-9 unit. The cop pulls into the drive and sees this good looking blonde standing there. He checks his hair and tie, puts on his expensive aviator sun glasses, gets the German Shepherd out of the back of the car, and heads up the drive way.

The blonde looks at the cop, and looks at the dog, and looks back at the cop. She sighs, and says, "That's just great. I could be in danger here, and they send me a blind cop!"
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Old 11-19-2014, 09:12 PM   #677
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Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diaper once a month?
A: The instructions clearly state, "good for up to 20 pounds".
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Old 11-20-2014, 02:22 AM   #678
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The last dime

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three dimes to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face ...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ...

The boy coughs up 2 of the dimes but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the dimes, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"







"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service ... "
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Old 11-20-2014, 02:31 AM   #679
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The joke is on us

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world . . .




And then He made the earth round.
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Old 11-20-2014, 02:42 AM   #680
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Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folk here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama.. thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder from all that golf I played. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Old 11-20-2014, 07:40 AM   #681
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I'm going to hell for laughing so hard at that.
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:21 AM   #682
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soooo......you think you are alone?

scooot oooover....
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:28 AM   #683
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I thought at first it was going to be the 3 guys drinking coffee while standing in a pile of sh*t.

But it got better! I'm pretty sure I've not heard this variant before.
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:11 AM   #684
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress & Senate, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:16 AM   #685
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Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes: Dear George, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:23 AM   #686
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:24 AM   #687
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I walked into the bar last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table.

As I walked past I shook my head and said "Amazing legs".

The girl giggled and smiled at me... then said "Do you really think so?"

I said... "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now..."
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Old 11-21-2014, 05:09 AM   #688
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A blonde had traffic all tied up at a highway intersection. She seemed to be showing off or something by burning out, then hitting her brakes, again and again. A cop shows up and stops her. He asks her what on earth she's doing. She's crying and screams "I can't make it through the damn blinking red light".
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Old 11-23-2014, 02:13 AM   #689
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The Wife from hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be
silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed
would have been
Higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on,
but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the
driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "




"Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 11-23-2014, 02:18 AM   #690
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
"The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"Sh!t" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.
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