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Old 11-09-2014, 07:48 PM   #646
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunForTheRoses
Answer me this, how come Jorge Boosh could be caricatured as a simian but Obamalama was off limits?
Seriously?

You've never given it much thought?

How old are you?
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Old 11-09-2014, 08:09 PM   #647
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunForTheRoses
Answer me this, how come Jorge Boosh could be caricatured as a simian but Obamalama was off limits?

OH Please! It's saying a monkey could have written the stimulus bill.. no its not funny I can't stand Al Sharpton.. and it's not racist.. what is wrong with people? Always looking for a hidden meaning.
Also... Geithner wrote the bailout package, not Obama.
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Old 11-09-2014, 08:24 PM   #648
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Also... Geithner wrote the bailout package, not Obama.
I almost forgot about him. He's an insult to monkeys everywhere.
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:06 PM   #649
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any public figure is fair game. Live with it....
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:17 PM   #650
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A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her... But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' "Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:21 PM   #651
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A modern day American Indian reservation in the West had lost their chief to old age and a new chief was installed. The old chief had known the ways of the wild and was locally famous for his ability to predict the coming winters with amazing accuracy.

The new chief was younger and had not learned to read the signs. At the Autumn Council, as was their tradition, the Indians asked the chief about the coming winter. The chief, not wanting the people to be caught short, replied, "It's going to be cold. Start gathering wood."

A few days later the chief called the National Weather Service and asked what the winter would be like and received the answer that "We expect a fairly cold winter."

The chief went back and told the people to gather more wood in preparation for a very cold winter."

A week later he called the NWS again and received the reply, "We expect a very cold winter with extended periods of snow."

The chief told the people to gather anything that would burn in anticipation of an extremely cold winter.

A week later he calls the NWS again and is told "We expect a severe winter with below zero temperatures, extreme snowfall and dangerous condittions."

The chief asks, "How can you predict that this early in the season?"

The NWS guy says, "Man, the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:33 PM   #652
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An old sailor decides he wants to re-live his youth, so he dons his sailor's outfit and heads down to the docks.
Once there, he is at a loss for something to do. he thinks back, then says to himself 'I remember, I used to visit a prostitute - that's what I'll do today!'
He find himself a prostitute, haggles a price and pays up-front, then gets down to business.
After a lot of huffing and puffing he says to the girl 'Not bad for an old sailor eh - how do you think I'm doing?'
She says 'You're doing 3 knots I'd say'
'3 knots?'
'Yep' she replies 'You're NOT hard, you're NOT in, and you're NOT getting your money back!
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Old 11-09-2014, 11:44 PM   #653
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An old NAVY Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old NAVY flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Old 11-10-2014, 12:04 AM   #654
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OntheRail
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady....


I'm crying this is so funny...
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Old 11-12-2014, 02:06 PM   #655
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True story. Hours ago.

This morning, my son, Bj, and I go out for late breakfast. He's been home since last weekend. We're having breakfast, and its all good. A woman walks in with a takeout plate in hand. "I want to see the manager. Right now." (I believe she was hoping to charm a male, instead, the manager on duty was a female.)

"How can I help you?", the manager asked.

"I want my $10. back! I came in yesterday morning. That girl over there waited on me. My eggs was overcooked, my ham was tough, and my biscuit was burnt on the bottom. You can have these damn hash browns back. I couldn't eat them at all. .... (That's what was left, gentlemen, the hash browns, but she wanted her $10 back.)

"I'm sorry, but you should have called, or checked your takeout before leaving, we would have been glad to replace your meal. But, we can't give you a refund today. Not 24 hours later. Too, why did you eat the food if it was so poorly cooked?"

"I din't; I give it to grandaddy's dog."

"Again, I'm sorry. We can't help you."

Things escalated, the woman started yelling, flailing her leftover hashbrowns, still in the box. Got out her cellphone and threaten to call the police." --"I ain't having this s***, you goin' give me back my money."

The young lady that had waited on her yesterday was waiting on us. She was a good server, sweet as she could be...(so I thought.) All at once, she walked over to the woman, mad as fire. Told her, "you come in here a day later wanting a refund? Get outta here"!!

The woman went postal, telling the server, "Don't you be like.. gettin' all BIPOLAR on me, girl. I take care o' your skinny @$$ right now. You? You, nice yesterday!"

All this time, other diners are watching, dumbfounded. Too, I'm getting nervous--watching the confrontation and Bj's eyes are getting big as saucers. My son's not used to such tawdry displays. Not at all. "Mom??"

The manager stepped in, "Please, you're upsetting my patrons. Let's step outside." With this, somehow, all was finally settled. But. No money changed hands and the police never showed. Unfortunate scene, such bad form.

The most hilarious part of this, I kid you not. The woman came in marked--crazy as a rat in a coffee can. Yet, she was serious--or expected to be taken as such. She was wearing Raybans (that she finally removed), jeans, a pea coat, unlaced combat boots, and a big camo green hat with fuzzy ear flaps, fuzzy bill turned up, and ties just swinging with her rage. The same style Randy Quaid wore in Christmas Vacation"!!

Gentlemen, after it was over, I laughed 'til I had tears in my eyes. Everyone laughed.

Lord, the things you see in a Waffle House!! If you've never been in one, you've missed some real Americana. And some even better laughs.
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Old 11-12-2014, 02:35 PM   #656
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Humor

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grits


Lord, the things you see in a Waffle House!! If you've never been in one, you've missed some real Americana. And some even better laughs.

True that, Grits. I'm a regular - better than Wal-Mart to learn about life in the South.

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Old 11-12-2014, 06:14 PM   #657
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OMike, I loved the way she complained about not being able to eat the hashbrowns, but said her grandaddy's dog ate everything else.

On a side note: They have fantastic coffee.. beats Starbuck's overpriced swill which I wouldn't walk across the street for if it was being given away.
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Old 11-13-2014, 12:59 AM   #658
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HUMOR

Yes, and they keep filling your cup for you. As you can see, I like my coffee light and sweet!
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Old 11-14-2014, 08:27 PM   #659
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Blonde buying a Car

One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"
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Old 11-14-2014, 08:43 PM   #660
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A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"
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