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Old 07-24-2016, 02:15 AM   #1096
NorCalGreg
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Poor little Kenneth
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Old 07-24-2016, 12:49 PM   #1097
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
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Old 08-01-2016, 05:54 PM   #1098
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Maid says to Lady I want a big raise.
Lady says Why would I give you any raise?

Maid because there are 3 things that I perform better than you my Lady!
I Clean House better than you!

Lady Who said so?
Maid Your Husband did, and I am a better Cook as well!
Lady Who said so?
Maid Your Husband did, and I am better in in bed as well!
Lady My Husband said so??

Maid No My Lady the Gardner did!
Lady How much of a raise do you want???
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Old 08-01-2016, 07:50 PM   #1099
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Stan Kowalski went into Starbucks and ordered a coffee.He drank it in one gulp, then threw some horse manure he had in a bag up in the air, pulled out a gun,fired it at the manure,and then immediately left .

The next day Stan returned and again ordered a coffee.The manager said to him, "Hold on pal, we're still cleaning up from yesterday.Whatever possessed you to do that anyway?"

Stan said "Well, I'm getting experience for my new job" .The manager said,"What do you mean?"

Stan explained "I'm in a management trainee program.Our instructor said a successful manager should be able to come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, then take off for the day."

Last edited by barahona44; 08-01-2016 at 07:57 PM.
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Old 08-06-2016, 08:26 PM   #1100
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A woman comes to the bus stop and there is a man there, both his arms full with a stack of boxes.

"M'am, could you help me out?"
"My bus ticket is in my pocket and I can't reach in to get it out."

"Oh, sure." she says, as she put her hand in his left pocket. She feels around and says, "I can't find it."

"Maybe it is the other pocket." the man replies.

She reaches into his right pocket and feels around.

"Ah, that's the ticket!" he declares!
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Old 08-22-2016, 04:49 PM   #1101
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Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who stabbed 6 people yesterday, believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

I had a curried pelican at my local Indian restaurant last night. It tasted delicious but the bill was enormous

Q: Why do scuba divers go into the water backwards off the boat?



A: Because if they went forward, they would still be on the boat.

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese so he can make America grate again.

I am reading an absorbing book about the History of Glue at the moment and I just can't put it down....
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Old 08-22-2016, 06:24 PM   #1102
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A man is walking along a beach and stubs his toe on what he thinks is a rock. He looks down and sees a handle sticking out of the sand. He reaches down and grasping the handle pulls it out to reveal a brass lamp. He gives it a rub and to his astonishment a genie appears.

"Thank you for releasing me from my 5,000 year imprisonment. I will grant you one wish for whatever your heart desires."

The man thinks for a minute and says " My girlfriend lives in New York and I live in Scotland. I hate flying and I get seasick but I love driving so can you build me a bridge from Scotkand to New York?"

"You must be joking" says the genie" the environmental cost would be colossal not to mention the impact on the marine life. Can you think of something else less damaging?"

The man thinks again and says " well, what I would love to know is what do women really think about and what is it they really want from men. Could you give me the ability to really know what women want?"

The genie thinks for a second and replies " how many lanes did you want on the bridge?"
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Old 08-24-2016, 03:44 PM   #1103
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Driving down the road, and got a flat tire. I pulled into a gas station and started trying to remove the tire. The station attendant came out and said "You got a flat tire?"
I said, "Nope, driving down the road and the other three just blew up."

Had a job as a truck driver. I was about to go underneath a highway bridge when I saw a sign warn of low clearance. It was too late to do anything about it, so I kept on going. I didn't make it, and my truck got wedged underneath the bridge. A cop stopped to help and said, "You get stuck?"
I said, "Nope, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Went fishing with a buddy and caught an enormous haul of bass. As we came back into dock, someone shouted to us, "Y'all catch all them fish?"
I said, "Nope, talked 'em into giving up."

Was getting my house remodeled. The workers had to move our piano for something. A worker said to me, "Is that your piano?"
I said, "No that's our coffee table, it just has buck teeth."

Had a friend over for dinner. We were chatting in the living room when he noticed the deer head I had on the wall. He said, "You shoot that thang?"
I said, "Nope, he ran through the wall and got stuck."

My wife and I were moving, and we'd spent all day packing things up. We had a big U-Haul out in the driveway and everything. A neighbor knocked on the door and asked, "Y'all movin'?"
I said, "No, every now and then we pack up all our crap just to see how many boxes it takes."

Had to get my car towed. The tow truck was lifting my car onto its back when my neighbor came around and asked, "Gettin' your car towed?"
I said "Nah we're breeding it. Hoping to get a Mini Cooper."

Accidentally locked myself out of my car. There I was with a coat hanger trying to hit the unlock button. Someone came around and asked, "You get locked out?"
I said, "Nope, I just washed and waxed it, and I'm hanging it up to dry."
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Old 08-24-2016, 04:03 PM   #1104
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https://youtu.be/5vNReqUGtsc
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Old 08-29-2016, 07:05 PM   #1105
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The Power Of Advertising


Two young lads, Brian and Greg walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked Brian, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, Brian replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

Brian replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for Greg. He's my best friend. He's six."

"Yes." Brian said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.


Right now, he can't do NONE of that.”
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Old 08-29-2016, 08:21 PM   #1106
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idiatone

Thanks buddy. I was having a lousey day. You made me laugh so much I have tears..Really needed that. Thanks again
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Old 08-29-2016, 09:02 PM   #1107
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. When I got on the computer I found out the horse I bought a few shares from that infamous vanity stable at Penn National was disqualified from his purse winnings.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a double Black, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"

“But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

Last edited by Shemp Howard; 08-29-2016 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:20 PM   #1108
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I didn't sleep very well last night, so, when I got up this morning, I used Red Bull, instead of water, to make my coffee. I was half way to work before I realized I'd forgot my car.
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Old 09-01-2016, 08:41 PM   #1109
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Crazy Mike was seriously injured in a freak accident moving tack from one stable to another. The prognosis was not good.

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,

"Can I feel your breasts then?"
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Old 09-07-2016, 07:11 AM   #1110
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Just for "Mostie"

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching. No point in you coming in for that.”
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