HUMOR

[jerry-g]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple

Stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the

restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly

left her glasses on the table, and she didn't

miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they

had to travel quite a distance before

they could find a place to turn around,

in order to return to the restaurant

to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband

became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and

Scoldedhis wife relentlessly during the

entire return drive.

The more hechided her,

the more agitated he became. He

just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the

car, and hurried inside to retrieve

her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well

get my hat and the credit card."

This coming week is National Senior Mental

Health Week. You can do YOUR part by

remembering to contact at least one

unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

[sammy the sage]

How to Poop and Fart at Work (and elsewhere)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP/FART is inevitable.

The following is the Survival Guide for those who hate pooping or farting at work


*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office (or classroom) so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER*
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


*TURD BURGLAR*
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


*CAMO-COUGH*
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.


*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*
A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


*WATERMELON*
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


*HAVANA-OMELET*
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.


*AUNT BETTY*
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[TJDave]

Baby, did you change the password?

Yes, dear

What's the new one?

It's the date of our wedding anniversary

Bitch!!!

[HUSKER55]

Now that is funny!

[tucker6]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Petroleum Jelly. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[DJofSD]

I believe that one was already posted.

[tucker6]

Originally Posted by DJofSD

I believe that one was already posted.

hard to remember after 24 pages. thanks.

[Rwahi1]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[magwell]

I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."





"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."





"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles.





Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."





"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."





True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.





He said he would put a new one on immediately.





"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[jerry-g]

This made me laugh out loud!



Marine Pilot



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service .45 cal. automatic pistol, and a survival knife.""She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories, don't you?

[jerry-g]

60 percent

[sammy the sage]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies:
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

[sammy the sage]

http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_arti...0311211634.jpg

[Rwahi1]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[RunForTheRoses]

When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.

"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."

Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.

"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$

A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.

I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.