HUMOR

[myhorse1]

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call
what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made
with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

[Shemp Howard]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.00


His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not
have to testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[dartman51]

Originally Posted by myhorse1

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call
what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made
with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

[Longshot6977]

In the Army, why do the Generals eat in a private mess hall and the Privates eat in the general mess hall?

[sammy the sage]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate.

As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[tucker6]

now that made me lol Sammy

[sammy the sage]

This is a conversation between a man and his new girlfriend.


Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions, which he answered quite simply.
She is speechless after answering only one question.

Critical Thinking At Its Very Best!:

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman:

How many beers a day?

Man:

Usually about 3.

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man:

$5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:

So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:

Correct.

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?

Man:

Correct.

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:

Do you drink beer?

Woman:

No.

Man:

Where's your Ferrari?

[ldiatone]

back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[ldiatone]

If they weigh a whale at a whaleweigh station, where do they weigh a pie?
Simple: Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie..

[ldiatone]

[barahona44]

A man runs home and says to his wife "Pack your bags, honey, because I just won the lottery. 12 million dollars!!"His wife says "Should I pack for the mountains or the beach.?" The husband replies "Makes no difference to me, you're moving out!".

[Tom]

What is TULSA backwards?

A SLUT.

What is A SLUT backwards?

A hundred bucks.

[PhantomOnTour]

Guys sits down for a job interview.
Boss says "describe yourself in three words"
He answers "Lazy"

[Tom]

They say you shouldn't put metal in a microwave oven.


....they're right!

[dartman51]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question , Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?