HUMOR

[magwell]

http://safeshare.tv/w/zJMqpUHAel

[Longshot6977]

Just saw this one.

[cj's dad]

Ray Rice may sign with the Redskins




They don,t beat anybody !!!!!

[ldiatone]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your cheating ex-husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your ex-husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will regret cheating on me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because I will still be the richest woman in the world."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever - Don't mess with them.

[Greyfox]

Product Warning:

What can happen if you eat Wheaties for 38 years.

[tucker6]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Bob must have experienced. "Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Bob Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Tom]

Originally Posted by Greyfox

Product Warning:

What can happen if you eat Wheaties for 38 years.

Post of the YEAR!!!!!

Wheaties...the breakfast of transgenders!

[tucker6]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this freaking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your freaking BADGE!!"

[tucker6]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[MutuelClerk]

Originally Posted by tucker6

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this freaking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your freaking BADGE!!"

Awesome

[OntheRail]

Bob was working rural Kentucky... selling Sundries. While motoring down another of the seemly endless dirt road. Bob spied a vision of hope. A young woman hanging wash. Bob stops and walks up to the porch. Good day while tipping off his hat, I'm Bob. As he straitens up he smiles asking her name. I'm Honey... she said while pinning laundry to the line. She said... If your looking for Pa he out huntin'. No no I'm here to seeing you. Me? I seen you doing the wash, do you like doing the wash? He asked while setting down his bag. Why no I'd rather be down dippin' at the creek. Well I'd like to show you how to get your washing done cleaner quicker and smelling as fresh as a Rose with Wash-O-Rinso washing powder... If you allow me to demonstrate the wonderful proprieties of Wash-O-Rinso washing powder. Honey is it..? I'm telling you this soap powder will clean your wash quicker then anything, giving you more time to do the thing you enjoy. Taking the old wash water and tossing it. Bob adds some Wash-O-Rinso washing powder and pumps in some water. Honey look at those suds... now if you hand me an item of clothing I'll demonstrate. Mister I don't have no more washing it's done. Only thing I've not washed it what I'm wearing. Bob said how bout we muddy up a shirt from the line and I'll wash it. No way said Honey I'd already cleaned those. You can't fool me... wash this I've been sweatin' in this all day as she pulls off her bandanna and hands it to him. Bob smiles and take it from her. Ok this will work. We just dip it into the water a couple of time ok washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose it smells as fresh as a rose! Honey leans over and sniffs it... Wow that does and so fast. Try this taking off her shirt revealing a tan colored bra. Bob takes it hitting his hand on the edge of the tub... Come on Bob... Honey said. Ok.. We just dip it into the water a couple of time washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose smells like a rose! Honey leans over and sniffs Wow it so brite and fresh. Well that's Wash-O-Rinso washing powder for you... how many boxes would you like? Not so fast... she hang the shirt on the line and drops her shorts and hand them to him. Bob tugs at it collar and takes them from her... Now a little shaky... just dip it into the water a couple of time washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose smells like a rose! Honey leans over from behind and sniffs. Fresh and clean, Honey took them to hang on the line but turn and tossed Bob her bra, clean this. He can't believe it Bob is thinking of the stories the Old Timers use to tell. He turns to the tub splashing the bra in and out of the tube thinking My God only panties left. Washy washy rinsy rinsy... across the nose smells like a rose! Bob is holding up white bra... Honey takes it and sniff it like a rose and white she smiles. Going to put this on the line. Bob closes his eyes and and rubs his hands together as he's thanking God he hears a splash in the wash tub... Oh Honey... excitedly reaching in... he starts washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose smells like a rose! Ooo no, so again washy washy... washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose smells like a rose. Geez! Again washy washy rinsy rinsy.. and across the nose smells like a rose! this time Bob notices these are not Panties.. but Boxers turns to see Pa with a Shot Gun and half naked Honey.



The Wedding was Sunday....

[OntheRail]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[OntheRail]

While I was walking down the beach this morning around 11 AM , I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the dock and fall into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat, because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office, and even the Fire Department.

It is now 5:30 PM . He has drowned, and not one of the authorities have yet responded.




I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[OntheRail]

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: It is obvious that the chicken crossed the road to receive health care benefits which are denied to him on this side of the road. All American chickens should have the right to basic health care without the risk of being struck by a moving vehicle to obtain them.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: I can categorically assure you that there is no mention of either chickens or roads in my archived emails.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Why the chicken crossed the road is immaterially to us. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it crossing the road now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet received confirmation that the chicken has actually crossed the road. We will keep you updated on developments.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Crosseth the road at thine own peril for there are portents in the heavens which inform against thee. No boon shall thy labors inherit, but a fricassee thou shal't become.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

AYN RAND: So it could keep all its eggs. It doesn't owe that farmer a damn thing!

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot in the middle of the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

DONALD TRUMP: So, you thought you could cross the road without the consensus of the board huh? YOU'RE FRYERED!

JOHN KENNEDY: Ask not why the chicken crossed the road, but what you can do to help it cross the road.

COLONEL SANDERS: Now where did I put that pressure cooker?

[NorCalGreg]

Originally Posted by Longshot6977

Just saw this one.

Is it me.....or was Hillary cute when she was younger?