HUMOR

[woodtoo]

[DJofSD]

What does he name it?

Why the name is obvious: the Un cola!

[LottaKash]

Originally Posted by DJofSD

What does he name it?

The "Final Solution"....

[Marshall Bennett]

An old one...

Nixon, Kissinger, a priest, and a hippy were on the same small plane when suddenly 1 of the 2 engines quit. The pilot yells back to the guys " We're way overloaded, y'all are gonna have to grab your chutes and bail out ".
They could only locate 3 parachutes and they needed 4. Nixon says "Well I'm the president, I certainly get one", and he jumps out. Kissinger says "well I'm the smartest mother fkr in the world, I get one for sure, too" and he jumps.
The priest looks at the hippy and says "son, you go ahead and take the last one, you're young with your whole life ahead of you. I on the other hand am old and on my way out anyway"
The hippy smiles and says, "no father, we both have one, that smart mother fkr just jumped out with his duffle bag".

[OntheRail]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when
He noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
Nearby cemetery.
1. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
2. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on
a leash.
3. Behind him, a short distance back, we're about 200 men walking in
single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
The Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

The Italian replied: "My wife's"

The Jewish man then inquired: "What happened to her?"

The Italian answered: "She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her."

The Jew then queried: "What's the reason for the second hearse?"

The Italian replied: "When my mother-in-law tried to help my wife, the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood
and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked: "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian answered: "Get in line."

[OntheRail]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 1, 2015

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. ***king hot down here!

[OntheRail]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Shemp Howard]

while messing around the pond, three ducks were arrested and promptly brought to court.

"Name?" judge asks the first duck. "Duck," duck replies. "What are you in for?" judge asks Duck. "Just sitting at the pond blowing bubbles; the cop came and arrested me."

"Next!" judge say, second duck waddles in. "Name?" judge asks second duck. "Duck-duck", was the quick reply. "What are you in for, Duck-duck?" judge asks. "Just sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came and arrested me."

The judge sent for the third and blew a sigh. As the third waddles in, the judge said, "Let me guess ... your name is Duck-duck-duck?"

"No sir, my name is Bubbles."

[ArlJim78]

this guy is great
[YT="Shake Shake Shake"]8XFBUM8dMqw[/YT]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XFBUM8dMqw

[cj's dad]

Funny stuff:

Why Grandpa's are Different

Have you ever wondered what the difference
is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always
made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would, take his 5-year-old granddaughter out
for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy
– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not
get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their
drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather
who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit,
horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel-humper,
or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled
at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun at all."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Marshall Bennett]

That was good.

[cj's dad]

A seriously depressed woman stood at the dedge of a cliff preparing to jump when a hobo walked by. Assessing the situation he asked her "since you are about to jump could we have sex first" "Hell no", she replied.

Have it your way said the hobo, I"ll just wait at the bottom !

[Tom]

OMG!

[TJDave]

Curtis, fall down funny!

[cj's dad]

A young man with no arms or legs is sitting on a blanket at the beach at the waters edge enjoying the sun and ocean breeze. Three young attractive women, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland stroll past the young man. The Enlish lass looks at him and asks if he has ever been hugged? No is his reply. The young lady bends over and gives him a huge hug. The Scootish lass asks himif he has ever been kissed. No replies the lad. She inj turn bends over and plants a very warm tender kiss on his quivering lips. Finally, the Irish woman asked him "have you ever been fooked? no he replies anxiously, "well you will be as soon as the tide comes in".