HUMOR

[thaskalos]

Originally Posted by Redboard

High School Yearbook picture of teacher shows same shirt/sweater the last 40 years.

I've always been fascinated by images of this sort. The gradual, almost imperceptible, decline of man.

[Spiderman]

I went through all 47 pages in one sitting, from 9AM until about now. Many good ones and lifted a few to a document file.

The comic award goes to On the Rail.

[Shemp Howard]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing this welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, he will supply all of your clothes and, because of the long hours, meals will be provided."

"You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips and, this is rather awkward to say, you will also have as part of your job duties to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The young man, just plain wide-eyed, said, "Got Almighty Nose you better not be bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Well, yeah... but you started it."

[OntheRail]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Max, our dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[OntheRail]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."

[JustRalph]

Love those last two!!

[myhorse1]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%!!!



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[RunForTheRoses]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and occasionally the lights would go off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt in cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Of course, but I should warn you that there is
a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[RunForTheRoses]

OK, the last one could very well have been offensive to some and this one to others. I'll let the Moderators decide.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and
asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man and he replied,
"What does the religion have to do with it? It's
an inflatable doll!"?

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"

[RunForTheRoses]

Santa's Letters


Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the
only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world
for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,You're parents smoked pot when they
had you, didn't they?
Santa


Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now
asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really
want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you
sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have
more fire trucks than you'll know what to do
with.
Santa


Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, What-and ruin that hot affair
your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a
hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa


Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you
under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and
carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a
glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa



Dear Santa,What do you do the other
364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China.
I have a condo in Vegas,where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses'
asses,
and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa



Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're
sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
--------
Dear Jessica, Are you that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do,
I'm skipping your house...
Santa



Dear Santa, I really really want
a puppy this year.
Please please please please PLEASE
could I have one? Love, Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit
may work with your folks, but that
crap
don't work with me. You're getting
a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney
in our house, how do you get
into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's
why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

[RunForTheRoses]

Nursery Rhymes - For Big Kids!!!


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b * stard .


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going
to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

[RunForTheRoses]

B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his
birthday especially memorable this year. The day before the
party, she goes out and gets B.B.'s initials tattooed on
her ass, one letter on each cheek.

The next night, after his big birthday dinner with friends
in his favorite restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B.
sits down in his favorite chair, his wife walks up to him
and announces, "I have a big surprise for you."

With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her
panties and bends over.

B.B. stares for a moment at the posterior just inches from
his face, and asks, "Who's Bob?"

[RunForTheRoses]

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your
hair.
7) Never hold! a Dust -Buster and a ca t at the
same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a
glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under
white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is
Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS TH AT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with
a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut
that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging
on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up
is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age
comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in
your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers
licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a
drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . .. having
friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling
in your pants.

[RunForTheRoses]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..... that's real ly great. Some asshole's got my pen."

[Steve 'StatMan']

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching Fox News, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"