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08-11-2018, 12:30 PM
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#16
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5,005
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch and water.
"That'll be $17.50," the bartender says and proceeds to stare intently at the horse.
"What are you staring at?," says the horse, to which the barkeep replies, "Well, it's just that we don't get too many horses in here."
"At these prices, I can see why not," says the horse.
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08-11-2018, 01:33 PM
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#17
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Diez meses en Port St. Lucie, FL; two months in the Dominican Republic
Posts: 4,355
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"I bet on a horse at 10 to 1 and it finally crossed the finish line at 5:30"
Henny Youngman
__________________
"But don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. "
Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well, Part 1 (1969)
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08-11-2018, 03:27 PM
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#18
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,114
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff P
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Similiar: no offence to any Polish (im half myself)
2 millionaire Polish men are camping in the woods.One of them badly needs to take a crap.....says to the other,"damn,what should i use for toilet paper?"
"Were rich,just use a dollar, lol"
"Ah right"
The man returns some time later looking irritated...."Whats wrong?"asks his friend.
"Im still feeling sick,and now i have four quarters stuck up my ass!"
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08-11-2018, 08:14 PM
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#19
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,176
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A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
__________________
One of the downsides of the Internet is that it allows like-minded people to form communities, and sometimes those communities are stupid.
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08-11-2018, 09:47 PM
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#20
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
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A black bear and a white rabbit both ducked into a bush to take a dump.
Both were doing their business quietly.
The bear looked over at the rabbit and asked, "Pardon me, but can I ask, does poop stick to your nice fluffy white fur?"
"No, it doesn't." the rabbit replied.
The bear nodded and then grabbed the rabbit up and.............
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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08-11-2018, 11:11 PM
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#21
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Veteran
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 11,474
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How do you keep a Polack in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
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08-11-2018, 11:15 PM
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#22
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Veteran
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 11,474
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whosonfirst
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
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That is just wrong. Wrong I tell ya.
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08-11-2018, 11:15 PM
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#23
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,594
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I may have posted this before but here it is again.
A man dies suddenly and finds himself outside the gates of Heaven. It looks beautiful inside and he asks St. Peter who is at the gate, "How do I get in there?" "Spell LOVE" ST. Peter replies. The man spells LOVE and enters. 20 years pass on earth and one day the man is walking by the gate and St. Peter asks him to watch it for a few minutes. He gladly says yes. After some time his wife appears at the gate! "I was wondering when you would get here, how have you been?"
His wife replies, "I have been well, after you died I got remarried, hit the lottery and traveled the world 3 times. By the way how do I get in there?"
The mans says, "Spell Czechoslovakia".
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08-12-2018, 12:39 AM
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#24
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 15,111
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A priest, midget, and a cowboy walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and say's " What's this? A f#$king joke?
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08-12-2018, 01:38 AM
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#25
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,594
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jay68802
A priest, midget, and a cowboy walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and say's " What's this? A f#$king joke?
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A priest, midget, and Raquel Welch walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and say's " What's this? A f#$king joke?
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08-12-2018, 12:39 PM
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#26
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemon Drop Husker
How do you keep a Polack in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
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Well.....?
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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08-12-2018, 12:40 PM
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#27
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The Voice of Reason!
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canandaigua, New york
Posts: 112,470
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Two men walk into a bar.
You would think the second guy would have seen it.
__________________
Who does the Racing Form Detective like in this one?
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08-12-2018, 01:45 PM
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#28
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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What did papa buffalo say to his son as he was about to depart for college?
"Bi, son."
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The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Able.
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Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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08-12-2018, 02:19 PM
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#29
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C'est Tout
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Cajunland
Posts: 13,253
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None!
__________________
How do I work this?
-David Byrne
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08-12-2018, 07:59 PM
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#30
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,297
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While cruising around a CNN reporter noticed emergency lights flashing in front of a convenient store. So they rushed over... while moving toward the center of the commotion. The report asked people what happened. One person said an Old Lady was assaulted... another said a drugged out young guy did her... as they approached... the Reporter over heard one EMT say her name is Maybelle a 75yr old female... with no apparent injuries. As they where about to load her in to the Ambulance the reporter leaned in with mic in hand and ask... Maybelle do you have anything to say or a comments? She motioned for him to come closer... then said. Oh Thank Heaven For 7-Eleven.
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.
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