HUMOR

[myhorse1]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed London for Liverpool.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting, no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life, yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous rabble, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn off the f***ing phone and come back to bed!"

[myhorse1]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

[Rookies]

Yep...

[Longshot6977]

So true.

[OntheRail]

Longshot6977... I find no humor in that at all. No matter the truth behind it. Poor Guy... No Good Deed... Goes Unpunished.

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

[Shemp Howard]

One afternoon Bill Clinton was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " Bill said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," Bill replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," Bill answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to Bill Clinton and said, "Mr. President, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

Slick Willie replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[myhorse1]

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[Rookies]

And this one...

[myhorse1]

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late! They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

Leave us alone, you religious nuts! yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash

Do you think, said one clergyman to the other, we should just put up a sign that says bridge out instead?

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

[ldiatone]

[barahona44]

A woman divorces her no good husband who hit her, cheated on her and also was very tiny in the manhood department.After a couple of years,she gets lonely so she places a personal ad.To avoid the problems of her first marriage, the ad states "WANTED, A MAN WHO IS FAITHFUL, NON-VIOLENT AND POSSESSES A LARGE PENIS FOR A POSSIBLE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP"

The next day, the doorbell rings and when she opens the door there was an armless , legless man.The man says to her "I'm here about the personal ad.As you can see, without arms, I can't hit you and without legs, I can't run around with other women.".The woman says to him, "Well, that's good to hear but what about the third part about having a large penis?"

The man replies "Lady, how do you think I was able to ring the doorbell?".