HUMOR

[magwell]

Joe was having trouble in school; his teacher was always
> yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy,Joe; can't you
> learn anything?"
>
> One day Joe's mother came to school to see how
> he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her
> son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,
> and that she had never had such an unmotivated and
> ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.
>
> Joe’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her
> son from school and moved out of Cincinnati, relocating to
> Cleveland.
>
> Twenty Five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with
> irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly
> advised her to have open heart surgery,which only one
> surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
>
> Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have
> the operation, which was remarkably successful.
>
> When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw
> the doctor who headed her surgical
> team smiling down at her.
>
> She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
>
> Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying
> to tell him something, but quickly died.
>
> The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so
> suddenly.
>
> When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he
> saw Joe, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged
> the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum
> cleaner.
>
> If you thought that Joe had become a heart-surgeon,
> there is a high likelihood that you will vote for the HAG

[myhorse1]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..
CELEBRATE

[magwell]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.





The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'




At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."




On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account.




''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

[myhorse1]

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

[myhorse1]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents have given him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."

[ldiatone]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?’ I asked.
'The patch.'
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca ,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!!

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[ldiatone]

funny

[Longshot6977]

THE DOCTOR


The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

[myhorse1]

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[KingChas]

Dear Abby,

I've been married to my husband since college, but he is a
liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke
cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies,
while I have to work and pay the bills. Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

For crying out loud, grow up and dump him. Good grief
woman, think about it. You're running for President of the
United States. You don't need him anymore.

[myhorse1]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

[Rookies]

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral.
After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaimed, "That's very un-hygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replied, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, stay away from doughnuts."

[Rookies]

An American business man sits in American Airlines 1st Class, next to a sexy gorgeous young lady:


Business Man: What is your name?



Young Lady: Angela Benz, Sir.



Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?



Young Lady: Yes Sir, very close.



Business Man: How close?



Young Lady: Same price.

[Rookies]

A man walks into Rob Roys and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a beer ?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

[Tom]

"Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, stay away from doughnuts."

ROTFLMAO!