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Old 11-23-2014, 01:47 AM   #691
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damnnnn....you are killing me here
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Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:25 PM   #692
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The Husband lies dying, with his wife by his bedside.

He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess."

"Shhhh" said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is
allright".

"No" the husband replied

"I must die in peace; I had sex with your sister and with your best
friend"

"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your
eyes".
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:37 PM   #693
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Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Harvey's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Harvey's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three arrive at the camping site only to find Harvey sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Harvey, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:38 PM   #694
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With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions ?
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Old 11-24-2014, 12:04 AM   #695
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OntheRail
Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes: Dear George, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed.........

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Old 11-24-2014, 12:09 AM   #696
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Your jokes are real funny!!!
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Old 11-25-2014, 11:19 PM   #697
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Harry and Marge are inching a long in rush hour traffic.

Marge: "Slow down. you are going too fast."
Harry: "No, I'm just keeping up with traffic".
Marge: "You are following too close. You're going to hit that car. Slow down! "
Harry: "Damn it woman, we're creeping along already and I have 10 feet!"
Marge: " I don't care how many feet you have, put one of them on the damn brake!"
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Old 11-25-2014, 11:26 PM   #698
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The Texas Midget

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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Old 11-25-2014, 11:28 PM   #699
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Obama was asleep in the White House and awoke to see Washington's ghost.
He asked, "George, how can I make this country better?"
Washington said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Obama went back to sleep and awoke again this time to Thomas Jefferson and asked, "Tom, how can I make this country better?"
Jefferson said, "Love the constitution like I did."

Again Obama fell asleep and awoke this time to Lincoln and asked, "Abe, how can I make this country better?"
Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
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Old 11-25-2014, 11:35 PM   #700
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One for our Northern Neighbors

As Canada One arrives at Heathrow Airport , Canada 's Prime
Minister Harper strides to a warm and dignified reception from
the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of
central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century
carriage, hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

The smell is atrocious, and both passengers in the carriage must
use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Harper. "Mr Prime Minister, please accept
my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that
even a Queen cannot control."

Harper, always trying to be 'Ministerial', replied: "Your
Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I
thought it was one of the horses."
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:12 AM   #701
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After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to


describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an
alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his right eye is going down
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:01 AM   #702
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:13 AM   #703
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focuses his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his thingy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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Old 11-30-2014, 10:21 PM   #704
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Talk about getting your moneys worth.

High School Yearbook picture of teacher shows same shirt/sweater the last 40 years.

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File Type: jpg teacher_sweater.jpg (72.1 KB, 72 views)
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Old 12-01-2014, 02:40 AM   #705
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It sucks he wasn't sporting that mustache in year 1. Blows the continuity of the whole thing...
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