HUMOR

[HUSKER55]

YOU need to check out the joke by shatner while you are on that page!

[RunForTheRoses]

PMS and the Bible

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation the entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible. He confidently stated, If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible.

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS.

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him a nd asked, Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible??

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem ...

[RunForTheRoses]

Last night, my friend Sandi and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."





So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

[sammy the sage]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh!ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[Actor]

Originally Posted by sammy the sage

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass...

I know that fellow. Several of them.

[Actor]

Q. What are Jefferson, Nixon and Truman?

A. Every Tom, Dick and Harry that's been President.

[Actor]

I got this strange phone call this afternoon. Normally I hang up quickly when I get telemarketing calls but this one was weird and I kind of enjoyed it. The caller had some strange accent and I didn't get his name.

Of course this is not verbatim. Just the gist of it. I'm not making this up.



ME: Hello.

HE: Hello. This is **********. Do you have any idea why I call you?

ME: You want to sell me something.

HE: What?

ME: You want to sell me something.

HE: I need data from you. (Right. Like my Visa card number.)

ME: What kind of data?

HE: Numbers.

ME: Zero.

HE: What?

ME: Zero.

HE: I not understand.

ME: You asked for a number. I gave you one. Zero.

HE: I want go into business with you.

ME: I don't want to go into business.

HE: Why not?

ME: I'm retired and I don't want to work. (I'm starting to enjoy this.)

HE: If some give you $1000 you give me $500.

ME: Why would anyone give me $1000?

HE: Do you know what it means to scam? (Does he mean scan?)

ME: Yes, I do.

HE: I want to scam you.

ME: I bet you do.

HE: Is it alright if I scam you?

ME: No.

HE: Well, goodbye.

ME: Goodbye.

[sammy the sage]

BILL AND BLANCHE
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied,
"I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
"Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied,
"Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!"
Bill replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[HUSKER55]

[BlueShoe]

Stanley died in a fire some time ago, and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together, and were long time members of a local hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet said, "Yep, his face is burned up really bad, you had better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."

The mortician thought this rather strange, so he brought in Gomer to confirm the identity. Gomer took a look and said, "Yes, he's burnt up real bad, roll him over." The mortician did so, and Gomer said, "Nope, this ain't Stanley."

The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you boys tell that this is not Stanley?" Gomer said, "Well sir, Stanley had two ass-holes. "What! He had two ass holes asked the mortician?" "Yup, we ain't actually ever did seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."

Today, Cooter and Gomer now have comfortable, secure, well paying jobs with the Federal Government. One in the IRS office and the other in the Justice Department.

[ldiatone]

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

What did Noah say as he was loading creatures on to the ark? Now I herd everything.

Did you know that Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible - it says Noah looked out of the "ark ... an ... saw."

How did Moses drink his tea? He-brews it.

Which woman in the Bible was smartest financially? Pharaohs daughter! She went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

[PhantomOnTour]

What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?
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.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
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he dumped her

[Ocala Mike]

Q - What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal as the two were dining on a clown they had just cooked?

A - "Does this taste funny to you?"

[sammy the sage]

Good medical advice from the sages of old...


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.


SO, REMEMBER ..

Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind...

[HUSKER55]

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.



I wonder if my doctor would write a prescription for that so medicare could pay my bill at the gentlemen club?

Mentally and physically it would promote my good health.....