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Old 09-10-2017, 08:25 PM   #1276
ldiatone
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said:

"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp: "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:42 PM   #1277
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What happens when two potatoes get married? They have tater tots.

They just opened up a Ripley's Believe it or not museum in China.
Except there,it's called "Ripley's Believe It or else !"

Where does a Marxist get buried ? In a communist plot !

What is the funniest animal of all ? A stand up chameleon !

Want to know how to confuse people? Walk into an antique shop and ask What's new ?"

Tragic news. Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger were found shot to death in their
homes yesterday. Police believe this to be the work of the cereal killer.
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Old 09-10-2017, 10:50 PM   #1278
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A 60 year old man takes his wife of 35 years to see their doctor.

The doctor asks 'What's wrong, why are you guys here'?

The husband says: 'It's her. She's depressed all the time; she's listless, she's always tired, and she never smiles any more. She never wants to cook dinner either and when I suggest we go out to a nice restaurant she says she isn't hungry. I just don't know what's the matter.'

The doctor then brings her to the couch, tears off her clothes, removes his and jumps right on top of her where he gives her a good going over, ravishing her with all his might and desire. She is now making all sorts of noises, and finally after just a few minutes, she screams 'Ahhh.... Ahhh.... I'm coming. Ahhh.... I'm coming.'

The doc gets off of her and puts his clothes back on. Now the wife looks great and alert! Her eyes are bright and open wide. She's also smiling from ear to ear.

The doctor looks at the husband and says to him. 'Okay. Did you see that? She needs it three times a week. Can you handle it?'

The husband says: 'Yes. I could bring her over on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Friday is my golf day.'
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:35 PM   #1279
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A koala bear is high up on a tree limb. He jumps off, starts flapping his arms, then crashes to the ground. After a minute, he shakes himself, then climbs back up the tree and does it again. Same result, only this time he is slower going up the tree.

He repeats this three more times, each time he finds it harder to climb back up the tree.

There are two birds high on the tree watching this. Finally, one bird turns to the other and says, "One of us has to tell him he's adopted."
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:05 PM   #1280
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Three cowboys, one from Oklahoma, the second from Arizona and the third from Texas, were sitting around the fire when they started bragging about how tough they were.
The Oklahoma cowboy said "I wrestle steers to the ground with one hand tied behind my back"

The Arizona guy said , "That's nothin, I bite the heads off of rattlesnakes".

They both turned to the Texan, who smiled and said nothing as he slowly stirred the coals with his penis.
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Old 09-28-2017, 01:38 AM   #1281
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A mother got an irate phone call from one of her neighbors who in an angry voice told her " My 6 year old daughter just told me she and your son were playing doctor"

The mother of the boy replied " That's normal, at that age kids play doctor.That's how they explore their sexuality."

The other mother said "Explore their sexuality? He removed her appendix!"
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Old 09-29-2017, 01:36 PM   #1282
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A man sees his doctor and says: I have this incredible urge to have sex with a horse.

The doctor asks: A male horse or a female horse?

The man says: A female horse, of course. What do you think I am, a weirdo?
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:43 AM   #1283
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At my friend's church they are training a new priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water
pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly".

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
5. We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8. The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."
13. It's "alas", not "an ass."
14. It's "her soul was full of hope" not "her hole was full of soap."
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Old 10-15-2017, 12:48 PM   #1284
how cliche
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How did the scarecrow earn his Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.

Whatever happened to the junkie hustler from the 80's who went deaf?
He got hearing aids.

What do they call the woman to man gender reassignment procedure?
Addadicktome.
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Old 10-25-2017, 08:46 AM   #1285
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A blonde was throwing a dinner party for 12 people but the recipe for the main course only served six.

She said to her husband "What can I do"?

Her husband said "That's easy.6 times 2 is 12, so just double the recipe."

An hour later the smoke alarm went off.The husband ran in the kitchen and saw the meal she was preparing was burnt to a crisp.

"What happened", said the husband.

The blonde crying, said "You told me to double the recipe, so I set the oven for 700 degrees"
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Old 11-06-2017, 05:45 PM   #1286
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Some advice for all our PA Senior citizens:

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Old 11-06-2017, 11:33 PM   #1287
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Originally Posted by reckless View Post
Some advice for all our PA Senior citizens:

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Now you tell me...
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Old 11-07-2017, 05:54 PM   #1288
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Some advice for all our PA Senior citizens:

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Like any of us will remember this sage advice.
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Old 12-30-2017, 12:57 PM   #1289
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I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and when that's gone I'll drink the red.


My wife got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off........

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

I just got a new car for my girlfriend. Good trade


Companion animal? No thanks. I have a spouse.


Patient : I’m not feeling myself today.
Doctor : Well that’s one bad habit cured.



Today's horoscope said my ex might reappear.

I walked down to the river and thankfully there was no sign of her.



If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you.
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Old 12-30-2017, 04:24 PM   #1290
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Today's horoscope said my ex might reappear.
I walked down to the river and thankfully there was no sign of her.
How do you get beer out of a keyboard?
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