HUMOR

[Tom]

Good stuff!


I once had an Alexa....she took out an order of protection on me!

[Dave Schwartz]

A very nice little old lady brings her bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. After a week or so of eating peanuts each day he asked the lady: "Please ma'am, don't bring me anymore peanuts. Keep them for yourself." The little old lady says: "Sonny, I can't eat them. I don't have teeth anymore. I just suck the chocolate off of them."

[Tom]

Oh my~!

[coachv30]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

A couple was shopping at the mall and the mall was packed.


Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her
 husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.


She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.


The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into
 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
 could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the Bass Pro Shop next to it.

[Dave Schwartz]

A father took his eight year old daughter to work on "Take your child to Work Day"

As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset.

As his co-workers gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".



(Yes, I have someone who is feeding me these.)

[Tom]

Learned this on Shark Fest this week.

If a shark attack you in the water, punch it in the snout as hard as you can.

If that doesn't work, poke it in the eye with your stump!

[Tom]

Bill went hiking in the mountains. The guide at the lodge asked him if he had any bear protection.

"What do you have in mind?" he asked.

"Let me show you some pictures. This here is black bear scat. IF you see this, a black bear is nearby, so you want to have some pepper spray. That will scare a black bear away."

"What about Grizzly bears"?" Bill asked.

"This here is grizzly scat" the guide said as he handed Bill another photo.

"But, this looks exactly like the black bear scat?"

"Yes, but this stuff smells peppery."

[ldiatone]

some silly ones
What is a myth?
A female moth!

Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A: A pie-thon!

Q: What is ‘out of bounds’?
A: An exhausted kangaroo!

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog!

Q: What is gray and blue and very big?
A: An elephant holding its breath!

Q: What wears glass slippers and weighs over 4,000 pounds?
A: Cinderellephant

Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
A: On their bunnymoon!

Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

Q: Why did the cat go to medical school?
A: To become a first aid kit

Q: What time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn!

Q: What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
A: A firequacker!

[RunForTheRoses]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a corona and 2 hurricanes. The bartender says that’ll be $20.20

[TJDave]

RIOTING HAS SPREAD TO THE VILLAGES , NEAR ORLANDO IN FLORIDA

Rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a community of 100,000.

Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.

The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.

The protests have been limited to the early evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee.

In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.
Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.

[sammy the sage]

Originally Posted by TJDave

RIOTING HAS SPREAD TO THE VILLAGES , NEAR ORLANDO IN FLORIDA

Rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a community of 100,000.

Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.

The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.

The protests have been limited to the early evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee.

In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.
Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.

Now that was funny...

Considering that place IS the STD capital of USA....this part should be restated as to why...


Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.

[Tom]

My doctor prescribed me with an experimental treatment for COVID-19......seems to be working!

[Tom]

Adjusting to Home Schooling, but it is still not as bad as it could be for food.

[tucker6]

Originally Posted by Tom

Adjusting to Home Schooling, but it is still not as bad as it could be for food.

for the one on the left. Completely true. I wouldn't eat tofo if I was starving to death. I'd try dirt first.

[Actor]

Originally Posted by tucker6

I wouldn't eat tofo if I was starving to death. I'd try dirt first.

Many years ago my wife and I went to a party at her boss's house. They served a whole bunch of stuff made from tofu. On the way home I suggested that we drive through MacDonalds for a burger.

"Didn't you get enough at the party?" she asked.

"Not much. I wasn't very good."

"Everybody else seemed to like it."

"Give me a break. The boss's wife was doing the cooking."

---

Same party. They had hors d'oeuvres on a tray on a coffee table. Their dog got one of them. The boss's wife took it away from the dog and put it back on the tray. I did not eat any more of them.