HUMOR

[Tom]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What did the conductor say when he lost his baton?
"Go Telemann I've lost my baton."

What does the average human say when he reads these kinds of jokes?
"Man, these jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them."

Grave-robbers dug up Beethoven and when they opened his casket, he was in there, erasing the notes from his sheet music.
"What are you doing?" they asked him.
"I'm decomposing." he replied.

[magwell]

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.





The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.






I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.






After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - I'll soldier on.

[ldiatone]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. So i put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I got pulled over for running a stop sign. The cop said "You know there was a stop sign, right?" I replied, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor's dog is crazy. One time when my neighbor wasn't home I snuck over there and put contact lenses on the dog that had pictures of cats on them, and he went ballistic. Then I took one out and he ran in circles.
I once played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
It's not fair that only one company can make the game Monopoly.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I bought a CD with 4'33 on it. I set that track on repeat in my home stereo and turned the volume all the way up. A few minutes later my neighbor knocks on the door, complaining about the noise. He's a mime, by the way. (ok I modified that one a bit.)
One night I drove to the 24 hour pharmacy, and found the owner of the place locking up. I said, "What are you doing? The sign says you're open 24 hours." He replied "Yes, but not in a row!"
I was speeding and got pulled over. The cop said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I replied "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
I bought some powdered water, but I have no idea what to add to it.
I was laying in bed one night, looking up at the stars, thinking, "Where's my roof?"
I got thrown out of a movie theater for bringing my own food. I told them their concession prices were outrageous, and besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time.
If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
In college someone broke into my dorm, stole everything, and replaced it with exact replicas. My roommate came in, and I told him, "Look at this, this is crazy!" He said, "Do I know you?"

[garyscpa]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. So i put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I got pulled over for running a stop sign. The cop said "You know there was a stop sign, right?" I replied, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor's dog is crazy. One time when my neighbor wasn't home I snuck over there and put contact lenses on the dog that had pictures of cats on them, and he went ballistic. Then I took one out and he ran in circles.
I once played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
It's not fair that only one company can make the game Monopoly.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I bought a CD with 4'33 on it. I set that track on repeat in my home stereo and turned the volume all the way up. A few minutes later my neighbor knocks on the door, complaining about the noise. He's a mime, by the way. (ok I modified that one a bit.)
One night I drove to the 24 hour pharmacy, and found the owner of the place locking up. I said, "What are you doing? The sign says you're open 24 hours." He replied "Yes, but not in a row!"
I was speeding and got pulled over. The cop said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I replied "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
I bought some powdered water, but I have no idea what to add to it.
I was laying in bed one night, looking up at the stars, thinking, "Where's my roof?"
I got thrown out of a movie theater for bringing my own food. I told them their concession prices were outrageous, and besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time.
If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
In college someone broke into my dorm, stole everything, and replaced it with exact replicas. My roommate came in, and I told him, "Look at this, this is crazy!" He said, "Do I know you?"

Steven Wright is hilarious.

[Magister Ludi]

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.

[Clocker]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

[ldiatone]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."

[Tom]

At my friend's church they are training a new priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water
pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly".

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
5. We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8. The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."

[ldiatone]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispered as she stepped into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looked up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asked solemnly.

The wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive. 'Yes I do,' she replied.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?” '

'I remember that too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today.'

[ldiatone]

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

[ldiatone]

What did the pianist say when his boss gave him a hard time at work?

"I'm only Schumann!"
------
Where do Baroque composers buy their groceries?

VivAldi
---------
Who's Bach's favorite US president?

Baroque Obama

[ldiatone]

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.



What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.


How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.


What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

[ldiatone]

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:

1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have 2 motivations; hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. .. Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom

[ldiatone]

The foreman on a large work site noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "What's your name?"

"John," the new bloke replied.

The Foreman scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of wishy-washy work site you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that! Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"

The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "OK John.'

[ldiatone]

A young indigenous Native American child rushes into his family's wigwam and asks his father, "Father? How do Native American children get their names?"

His father replies, "My son, as you well know, there are many nations and tribes among us with differing customs, but in our tribe, a child is named for what was occurring at the moment that child was conceived. For example, in the night your elder brother was conceived, there was a tremendous thunderstorm; hence, he is called Thunder in the Sky. In the same way, as you elder sister was conceived, your mother and I saw a lovely doe emerge from the forest, and that is why she is named Doe in the Forest. Does that make the naming of our children more clear to you?"

His son says, "Oh, yes it does, my father, I thank you for your wisdom and compassion in teaching me."

His father replies, "I am glad to hear it, my son. Now, run along and play,... ...Stupid Cheap ******* Condom."