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02-27-2015, 05:51 PM
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#766
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MILWAUKEE
Posts: 5,285
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truth only matters in the news media....
__________________
Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.
No Balls.......No baby!
Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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03-01-2015, 04:25 AM
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#767
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,399
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.
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03-01-2015, 04:28 AM
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#768
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,399
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After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"
(you'll love this…)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.
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03-01-2015, 04:34 AM
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#769
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6,399
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You just can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they take everything literally.
__________________
Remember To Help Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Center.
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03-02-2015, 04:09 PM
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#770
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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03-02-2015, 11:19 PM
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#771
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: west view, pa. now Lancaster, Ca.
Posts: 3,382
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cute
__________________
Buy Sam a drink and get His dog one Too--->mlang
and now in Lancaster, CA.
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03-02-2015, 11:30 PM
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#772
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MILWAUKEE
Posts: 5,285
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that was funny
__________________
Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.
No Balls.......No baby!
Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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03-04-2015, 04:24 PM
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#773
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Central New Jersey
Posts: 1,468
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50 Shades of Golf
50 Shades of Golf:
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews, Scotland for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a very sexy little nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"
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03-04-2015, 06:44 PM
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#774
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MILWAUKEE
Posts: 5,285
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husband comes home and the wife is singing and dancing around the room.
"Why are you so happy".
Wife replies, "Docs says I have the tits of an 18 year old".
Husband respnds, "What did he say about your 50 year old ass"?
Wife replys, "I went to MY doctor and YOUR name never came up".
__________________
Never tell your problems to anyone because 20% flat don't care and 80% are glad they are yours.
No Balls.......No baby!
Have you ever noticed that those who do not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of always seem to know how to handle the money of those who do.
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03-05-2015, 08:52 PM
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#775
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household ! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose ! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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03-05-2015, 09:10 PM
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#776
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,735
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A guy buys a lie-detecting robot. If a person tells a lie the robot slaps them.
He brings it home and shows it to his son. The father asks the son what he was doing in his room and the son says "I was doing homework." The robot slaps the son. The son admits he was looking at porn. The father replies "When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. The wife laughs and says "He's definitely your son!" The robot slaps her.
__________________
The ponies run, the girls are young
The odds are there to beat
You win a while, and then it's done
Your little winning streak
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03-05-2015, 11:18 PM
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#777
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 330
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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of
anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing
had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath, "Did you see this terrible
accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."
__________________
Mike
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03-07-2015, 01:46 PM
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#778
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men
will get it the first time.
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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03-07-2015, 01:53 PM
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#779
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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03-07-2015, 01:59 PM
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#780
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,202
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HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you.
__________________
I hate losing more than I love winning......
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