HUMOR

[Longshot6977]

LOL

[Longshot6977]

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Johnny V]

[ldiatone]

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old Wild West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing .........

It's just a stage I'm going through."

[Tom]

Man, you make my day sometimes!

[Marshall Bennett]

A blonde goes into an Auto-Zone and tells the guy at the counter she needs a belt for her car. He asks "which belt, what model car". She says " I dunno I just know I need a belt". So the guys takes her out to her car and tells her to pop the hood. "Lady, this car is brand new, there's no worn belt". She asks him "then why when I turn the key a light keeps flashing belts belts belts"?

[Actor]

So I'm sitting at home on lockdown and the phone rings. I answer.

The guy on the other end asks if I am the homeowner. I say "Yes."

He then goes into a spiel wanting to sell me a "wireless security system." I tell him I already have one. "What kind," he asks.

"Brother," says I, "do you know Jesus?"

"What?"

"Brother do you know Jesus?'

And he hung up.

[dartman51]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My ...wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

[ldiatone]

A couple was shopping at the mall and the mall was packed.


Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her
 husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.


She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.


The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into
 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
 could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the Bass Pro Shop next to it.

[ldiatone]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?

[jay68802]

This ad made me laugh.

[ldiatone]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mum, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks,
"Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mum," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mum, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mum..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in London zoo?"

[barahona44]

Originally Posted by jay68802

This ad made me laugh.

Are the Cornhuskers playing Miami this year?

[jay68802]

Originally Posted by barahona44

Are the Cornhuskers playing Miami this year?

I went to their last fight, and then they started playing a football game.

[TJDave]

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2020
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:

I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:

OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:

What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:

I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:

I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT??!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without an Internet, or cable TV; where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but Alexa says you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...