HUMOR - Page 66 - Horse Racing Forum - PaceAdvantage.Com

barahona44 · 02-03-2016, 10:21 PM

A guy walked into a bar and saw an old man with a head the size of a baseball sitting at the bar. The guy couldn't stop staring at him,so finally he walked over to the old timer and said "Listen, I don't mean to be rude but I couldn't help but notice you have an incredibly small head". The old man replied "Well, it happened in the Second World War, the Japanese sank the boat I was on.I survived the attack and was able to swim to a desert island. While on the island, a mermaid appeared and told me I could have three wishes"

So I said to her ,"Well, first I want to get off this island.She contacted a ship to come get me"

Next, I said, "I'd like to have plenty of money for the rest of my life.Suitcases full of money appeared".

For my final wish, I said "I'd like to have sex with a mermaid" She said to me "Since mermaids don't have legs, we aren't able to have sex"

So I said to her "Well then, how about a little head?".

magwell · 02-03-2016, 10:32 PM

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy and Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the airplane.

The second passenger, John McCain said "I'm a senator and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump said "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I'm the smartest man in our country, and I'm going to make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a ten-year-old schoolgirl "I have lived a full life and served my god the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag,"

ldiatone · 02-04-2016, 03:04 PM

another blond

barahona44 · 02-04-2016, 04:06 PM

A blonde comes home and finds her house ransacked and proceeds to call 911.The closest patrol car able to respond is a K-9 unit.When the officer arrives, the blonde looks out the window and upon seeing the officer and the dog, she says "Well, that's just great.The first time in my life I call the police and they send over a blind cop!".

Rookies · 02-04-2016, 04:21 PM

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. Then one transferred to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so
charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Ocala Mike · 02-05-2016, 05:51 AM

Now that's funny (woman golfer)!

ldiatone · 02-06-2016, 11:39 AM

football

myhorse1 · 02-07-2016, 06:23 PM

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------

AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

dartman51 · 02-10-2016, 11:46 PM

Farts

Nutz and Boltz · 02-11-2016, 08:02 AM

A few laughs here...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ad3...85c30a6e85276e

myhorse1 · 02-13-2016, 03:26 PM

IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO GOD
GO TO THE CORNER AND TALK TO HIM HE IS LISTENING

IF YOU WANT TO SEE GOD
THEN CONTINUE TO TEXT WHILE YOU DRIVE

Longshot6977 · 02-14-2016, 01:40 PM

Hysterical short parody with Trump and Ralph.

https://www.facebook.com/gorillapigs...3084667456000/

ldiatone · 02-15-2016, 11:23 AM

Patient: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

Doctor: Here's some cream for it.

ldiatone · 02-15-2016, 11:34 AM

good one

myhorse1 · 02-15-2016, 06:18 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"