HUMOR

[Fred Mertz]

Donald Trump (aka Dickhead Don) goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.


The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him,


"You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."


The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.


They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"


The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the chance."

[PhantomOnTour]

It's less disgusting, I'll say that.
Most political jokes are old re-treads and not funny....all they do is change the names, which I'm sure you did here

[Tom]

I guess the Joke Police can work from home, too.

[Actor]

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated the Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course, the Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.

[ldiatone]

A badminton player and a tennis player get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are heavily damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the tennis player spots the other's tennis gear and says, "So you're a badminton player, that's interesting. I'm a tennis pro... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The badminton player replied: "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The tennis player continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the badminton player. The badminton man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the tennis pro. The tennis pro takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the badminton player. The badminton player asks, "Aren't you having any?" The tennis pro replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out..."

[ldiatone]

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to that citys makeout spot "Lookout Point", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy. Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?" "No." Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?" "No. A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I want to stay up here with you."

[TJDave]

A crusty old Gunny found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Ocala Mike]

Originally Posted by TJDave

A crusty old Gunny found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[ldiatone]

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of My dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What? Did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by ldiatone

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of My dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What? Did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.

YouTube (Short URL)

[ldiatone]

Originally Posted by TJDave

https://youtu.be/ibsleUFe7qw

[TJDave]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[thaskalos]

The very first joke on the clip...by the inimitable Groucho Marx.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R14fwado0A

[Tom]

[clicknow]

Beyond perfect, complete with TP shortages

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5CNHDeF2xA