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Old 01-27-2015, 07:09 PM   #751
sammy the sage
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Japanese Sex Story


A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"













I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know Japanese!!!!


You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.... you need serious help!!!


Sometimes I worry about you.
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Old 01-28-2015, 07:22 AM   #752
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:24 AM   #753
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sammy the sage
Japanese Sex Story


A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"













I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know Japanese!!!!


You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.... you need serious help!!!


Sometimes I worry about you.
I used to speak Japanese fluently and those aren't real words!!
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Old 01-28-2015, 06:30 PM   #754
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different dialect.....
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Old 02-06-2015, 06:37 PM   #755
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HUMOR

This one should go over well with most denizens of PA:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
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Old 02-16-2015, 08:21 PM   #756
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Old 02-18-2015, 06:52 PM   #757
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An oldie

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Old 02-19-2015, 09:07 AM   #758
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About mowing lawns

True story about Lee Trevino (Super Mex) and told by him on numerous occasions -- as seen on the Golf Channel interview by David Ferherty.

Quote:
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?" Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:36 PM   #759
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Three guys show up early in the morning for a golf game.

Just as they are getting ready to hit, the starter runs out and says he has a fourth. All are dissapointed, 'till they see the golfer.

Out strolls a lovely blond lady carrying a bag of clubs. She greets them, and smacks a driver straight down the middle, past all three of them.

As the game goes on, she is doing great, and golfing as well as they are, if not better. When they get to 18, she hits on in regulation,and has a huge smile on her face.

They all get to the green and scan the puts, as the lady makes an announcement.

"If I make this put, it will be the best game of my life. If any one of you can give me the correct read for this put, I will give you a happy ending ."

First guy says, "dead straight uphill, don't leave it short."

Second guy says, "you really need to hit it left edge, not too hard."

Third guy looks at it for a few more seconds and says'

"Pick it up, it's a gimme."
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:43 PM   #760
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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league'.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club'.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Please pray for Bob.
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:54 PM   #761
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
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Old 02-26-2015, 12:57 AM   #762
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A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists but to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.
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Old 02-26-2015, 06:27 AM   #763
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OntheRail
A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists but to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.
Not to rein on your parade, but how does an undefeated filly lose any races during the day and remain undefeated?
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Old 02-26-2015, 06:29 AM   #764
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OntheRail
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league'.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club'.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Please pray for Bob.
hahaha
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:15 PM   #765
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tucker6
Not to rein on your parade, but how does an undefeated filly lose any races during the day and remain undefeated?
You need to reload that one in the gate... and re-run it. But I'll give you a trip note. As a Filly she was undefeated...
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