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Old 04-03-2018, 09:49 AM   #1321
RunForTheRoses
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Image links from your AOL mail account aren't going to show up here...
OK, I'll delete and fix.
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Old 04-03-2018, 02:20 PM   #1322
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I hope these are OK for a Family Website

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Old 04-03-2018, 02:23 PM   #1323
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Part 2

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Old 04-12-2018, 08:57 AM   #1324
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Guy walks into a bar and asks if the bartender would like to see something. The bartender was bored so he said okay. The guy has a briefcase, out of it he takes a little piano and a little man and places them on the bar. The little man proceeds to play the little piano. The bartender was impressed. The patron said "that's nothing , I want to show you something else. In my pocket , I have a little genie and he grants me any wish. Would you like to ask him for something?" The bartender figures that he'd better ask for something big, so says "okay, I'd like 5 million bucks". A cloud fills the room and then 5 million ducks fill the room. The bartender screams I said 5 million bucks,not ducks! "I know, I know," says the patron. "Do you think that I asked for a 14 inch pianist!"

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Old 04-13-2018, 10:34 AM   #1325
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A guy is in a bar and right next to him, three hefty women are talking really loud.

They sound Scottish to him, so he turns and says, "Excuse me, but are you three lassies from Scotland?"

The one next to him says, "Wales. Wales, you bloody idiot."

Guy says, "I'm so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
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Old 04-13-2018, 10:48 AM   #1326
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Three men-one American,one Japanese and the third Polish are sitting together.A beep comes from the American's wrist and he speaks into the wrist.He explains" I had a chip implanted in my hand and now I have a cell phone ".The Japanese man takes off his glasses and reads them.He said "I had a chip implanted in my eyelid and now I can recieve e-mails". The Polish guy thinks "How can I top that"? He goes to the men's room and emerges a few minutes later with a trail of toilet paper from his backside.He shouts "Look,I had a chip implanted in my butt and now I'm getting a fax!".
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Old 04-13-2018, 11:17 AM   #1327
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Three men-one American,one Japanese and the third Polish are sitting together.A beep comes from the American's wrist and he speaks into the wrist.He explains" I had a chip implanted in my hand and now I have a cell phone ".The Japanese man takes off his glasses and reads them.He said "I had a chip implanted in my eyelid and now I can recieve e-mails". The Polish guy thinks "How can I top that"? He goes to the men's room and emerges a few minutes later with a trail of toilet paper from his backside.He shouts "Look,I had a chip implanted in my butt and now I'm getting a fax!".
Oh, oh ! A polish joke !
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Old 04-16-2018, 01:03 AM   #1328
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Her husband came home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight!" He was right. When he left the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknob so he couldn't get back in!

------------------------------


"How's your sex life, Bob?" "Oh, not so good; we have pension sex." "Pension sex? What's that?" "I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

-------------------------------------

Things That Sound Dirty at The Office But Aren't: "I need to whip it out by five." "Just stick it in my box." "It's an entry-level position." "When will you be getting off today?" "It's not fair; I do all the work while he just sits there!"

---------------------------------------

A couple had a fight and didn't speak for days. Finally, he asked, "Do you know where my Hawaiian shirt is?" She replied, "Oh, so you're speaking to me?" "What do you mean?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you in three days?" "No. I just thought we were getting along!"
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Old 04-16-2018, 11:09 AM   #1329
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Old 04-16-2018, 01:53 PM   #1330
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Old 04-19-2018, 10:58 PM   #1331
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St. Arnold.

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Old 06-10-2018, 01:04 PM   #1332
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Husband training course

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? With driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual counsellors are available
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Old 06-11-2018, 03:56 PM   #1333
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A sailor, on his first day on a new ship went up to an officer and said "Excuse me, Captain, but would it be OK to go downstairs and get something to eat in the dining room"

The captain, visibly irritated asked him, "How long have you been in the Navy ?"

The sailor replied,"About 6 weeks, sir"

The captain said, "Listen, sailor, it's not downstairs, it's called below deck.And it's not the dining room, it's the mess.And for your future reference, the front of the ship is the bow, the rear is the stern, starboard is the right side and port is the left side.And if I ever hear you use the wrong naval terms again, I'm going to throw you overboard through one of those tiny, round windows on the side of the boat."
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Old 07-24-2018, 03:09 AM   #1334
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist said, "That's too small
a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my new golf shoes."
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Old 07-24-2018, 10:35 AM   #1335
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"FOUR!"
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