HUMOR

[dartman51]

Originally Posted by HUSKER55

Q. How much do they charge to put an ear ring in a pirate?

A. A Buccaneer

Q. What did Ben Franklin say after he invented electricity?

A. Nothing...he was in shock



yeh...I know.....grand kids came over...

I used to think that a Buccaneer, was a high price for corn, but, these days, not so much.

[Actor]

Originally Posted by dartman51

I used to think that a Buccaneer, was a high price for corn, but, these days, not so much.

I remember when "quarter pounder" meant you got a pound of meat for a quarter.

[HUSKER55]

remember when McD started? Small drink, small fry and a burger and you got change back from a dollar.

[Marshall Bennett]

And it tasted better.

[Shemp Howard]

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on."Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.

"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
“I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your Handicap!

[Actor]

Man takes Boss home for dinner. He leaves Boss alone in living room to help wife prepare dinner. His 5 yo daughter comes into living room, stares at Boss then says "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," says Boss.

"Daddy says you're a self made man."

"Your Daddy is quite right," says Boss, "I am a self made man."

"Then why did you make yourself fat and ugly?"

[sammy the sage]

A guy retires in Florida with a little land with fruit trees and a sandy swimming area.
He got his bucket and walked down to pick some oranges. On the way he heard frolicking and fun in the swimming hole and came up on several girls skinny dipping.
One young lady said "we're not getting out with you standing there" The farmer set the bucket down by the water and said "I didn't come down here to ruin your fun or see you naked, I just came down to feed my alligators"

and if that's not enough...something not so funny..

http://news.yahoo.com/florida-first-...230501004.html

[magwell]

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, just the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop, browsing



for a while. When we came out, there was a parking meter cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an asshole. He glared at me



and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield



with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.




This went on for about ten minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then ......our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We weren't too concerned about the
vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window:



I love MSNBC

[Zydeco]

Originally Posted by magwell

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, just the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop, browsing



for a while. When we came out, there was a parking meter cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an asshole. He glared at me



and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield



with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.




This went on for about ten minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then ......our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We weren't too concerned about the
vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window:



I love MSNBC

like it!

[sammy the sage]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot,
then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,
find me the Finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth
over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her
like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with
this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to
acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."

[Ocala Mike]

sammy, that's one for the ages!

[HUSKER55]

LOL!

[fast4522]

Sometimes a blast from the past.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY

[sammy the sage]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...5e7357bb71b7b1


something about Moses, Roosevelt, and hotlines...

[Tom]

Kevin.....Sammy, UDAMAN~!!!!