HUMOR

[HUSKER55]

no lie!

[Rwahi1]

[QUOTE=Marshall Bennett] These last two jokes were excellent. [/QUOTE




What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

[Rwahi1]

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

[Rwahi1]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[HUSKER55]

[sammy the sage]

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate.........and ate.......and then.......she ate some more

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead fly..

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

[Marshall Bennett]

Poor Timmy was born without arms, legs, and a torso. That's right, Timmy was just a head much like any other head on a human. When Timmy was about 6 years old he really began getting unhappy with his condition, wanting badly to be like other kids that often played just outside his bedroom window. His mother began propping him up in the window so he could watch as the neighborhood kids played.
One day the Lord appeared as he was watching and told little Timmy if he tried really really hard and put his mind to it, he could grow the body parts required to be like any other 6 year old. So Timmy did just that and struggled with all his might to do just as the Lord said. One day, overwhelming determination brought a sudden surge of strength he hadn't ever had before. Unfortunately it caused him to lose his balance and he rolled off on to the hardwood floor below cracking his skull and killing him instantly.
*There's a moral to this story. Quit while you're ahead.

[Tom]

An archaeologist needs to cross the desert, so he goes to the local camel dealer to rent a camel.

"I need to get all the way across the desert." he told the dealer.
"Last time, the camel I had didn't make it and I almost died trying to walk the rest of the way."

"Do not worry, sir," the dealer told him. "Take the camel down to the pond and let him drink plenty of water. And don't forget to brick 'em."

The scientist waters his ride and sets out over the hot sands. About two thirds of the way across the scorching wasteland, the camel drops dead from thirst."

"GD! that camel dealer!" cursed the man, as he started hoofing it back to the oasis. Days later, nearly dead from the heat, he arrives at the camel dealer's tent and storms indie, grabs the dealer by the throat, and start choking him.

"You lied to me! that damn camel didn't make it all the way!" he screamed.

"I do not understand, he should have made the trip - he has done it before."
"Did you do as I told you? Did you take him to the pond first and let him drink?

"Yes, yes, he drank plenty. He still died of thirst."

"Did you brick'em?"

"Hmmm. You know, I meant to ask you what that was, but I was in a hurry. What does brick'em mean?"

"There are two bricks by the pond. When the camel is drinking, you take those bricks and you smash them together with the camels balls in between them."

"Fffffffffttttt! The came sucks in enough extra water to make it all the way across!"

[tucker6]

A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse. It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties. Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial. He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls. He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing. As a last resort he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue. Hold on, says the Rabbi, you never told me it was a Jewish horse.

[tucker6]

A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!

[tucker6]

The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".

[tucker6]

The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.


I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!


My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.


I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the Tote window betting on another horse in the same race...

[tucker6]

A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 a.m. The temperature is 55 degrees and the humidity is 55%. He turns on his TV to channel 5. He gets up and it is May 5th. He heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. He gets to work goes to the 5th floor. He has five messages. IT DAWNS ON HIM. He rushes to the race track. His ticket is $5 and he is put in section 5, row 5, seat 5. In the fifth race is a horse called, "Double Nickels". He understands fate has spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards. The race is won... Double Nickels came in fifth.

[HUSKER55]

[Rwahi1]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''