HUMOR

[sam4022]

Many years ago the reigning King of Thailand was very ill and without a son to replace him. So runners were sent to every town and village and told locate and bring the 12 with the largest penis to the King’s throne.



On their arrival they were stripped, their stomachs smeared with honey by naked dancing girls thus developing a dozen erections. Due to the honey numerous bugs landed on each man’s stomach. At that point the naked females went behind the men, reached between their legs, pulled their penis down and on the King’s count of three let it go. The one who killed the most bugs was declared to be the new King.



This is how the capital of Thailand was so named.

[horses4courses]

[HUSKER55]

[Tom]

The Ellen one....

[sammy the sage]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor, and had a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

[sammy the sage]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The

pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final

descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you

enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his

conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the

pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"


"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and

take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits

out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my

room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."


Aghast and amused,everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn

the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag

and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta

take a chit first."

[dartman51]

WOMAN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women, and how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting.

10% Of women think their ass is too skinny.

30% Of women think their ass is too fat.

60% Say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[PhantomOnTour]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?












Phillipe Phillope

[Longshot6977]

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"Buckwheat may be dumb and Buckwheat may be stupid, but Darla says Buckwheat's dictate good!"

[TJDave]

Originally Posted by PhantomOnTour

Phillipe Phillope

Most excellent!

[sammy the sage]

You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others?
You may have only heard of them. But some of us miss their kind of humor. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.
On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[Rwahi1]

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

[Rwahi1]

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[Rwahi1]

Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

[Marshall Bennett]

These last two jokes were excellent.