- - HUMOR
( http://www.paceadvantage.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91419)
| HUSKER55 |
02-07-2012 11:49 PM |
HUMOR
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that onlyJanie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife”.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Taliban fighters.She shot 15 of them until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horribles tory?
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
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| Dave Schwartz |
02-08-2012 12:08 AM |
LOL - Okay, never heard that one before.
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| Grits |
02-08-2012 09:34 AM |
Good morning, gentlemen. Here's another. Its about as racey as I can get. Makes me laugh, though. :lol: Yours was a fine one, Husker.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
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| HUSKER55 |
02-08-2012 09:48 AM |
I was down at the gentlemans club the other day and while we were louging in the hot tub one of the girls tolds us this one.
there was a female dentist who had a male patient who needed a tooth pulled.
She pulled out a needle and the patient claimed he hated needles.
"Not to worry", she said, "we'll use gas".
"I don't trust gas" replied the patient.
"how about pills"? asked the doctor.
"not a big fan of those either", was his reply.
"well here, try some viagra" said the dentist.
patient responded, "I didn't know viagra was a pain killer"!
dentist replied, "It's not but you will need something to hang onto when I pull that tooth"!
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| Grits |
02-08-2012 10:53 AM |
LOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
:blush: My face is red as a beet!! :blush: You are bad, Husker, bad, bad, bad.
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The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
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| fast4522 |
02-11-2012 07:19 PM |
1 Attachment(s)
Best I can do on short notice.!
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| Overlay |
02-11-2012 07:23 PM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
He never heard the gunshot.
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Reminds me of the second verse and chorus from the song "Woman with a Gun" by the country comedy duo of Pinkard and Bowden. (Sorry, but I can't find a video or audio.)
Now Jimbo drove a pickup truck, rifle rack behind the seat,
And he parked his Ford out behind the bar, and he stepped inside to cheat.
Well, he never saw his wife come in; he was blind from Cupid's dart.
And he never heard the 12-gauge that stopped his cheatin' heart.
Oh, I've seen it all a thousand times. It always ends the same.
There's got to be a loser in every cheatin' game.
Some men think it's funny chasin' skirts and havin' fun,
But there ain't nothin' funny about a woman with a gun. |
| Grits |
02-11-2012 09:15 PM |
Fast, I like your post--its really neat. Its cute as can be. ;)
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| fast4522 |
02-11-2012 10:04 PM |
How did you know I was shaking my tail for ya!
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| PaceAdvantage |
02-11-2012 10:19 PM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
He never heard the gunshot.
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This was worth the wait... :lol: |
| Rookies |
02-11-2012 10:33 PM |
The importance of good grammar...
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.:lol:
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| Rookies |
02-11-2012 10:36 PM |
What is Celibacy?
What is Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men,'Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.........
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| Grits |
02-11-2012 11:25 PM |
LOLOLOL:faint:
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| Overlay |
02-12-2012 04:26 AM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rookies
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.:lol:
[/i]
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The highly-educated but infamous Richard Loeb (of Leopold and Loeb) received life in prison for his crime, but was stabbed to death a few years later by another inmate while the two were in one of the prison showers. (I'll leave further picturing of the exact circumstances to the imagination, but one reporter led off his story on Loeb's death by noting, "Despite his erudition, Richard Loeb today ended his sentence with a proposition.") |
| Overlay |
02-12-2012 04:42 AM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rookies
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition...
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As Winston Churchill commented after someone criticized him for that practice in his speaking, "That is the sort of impertinence up with which I will not put." |
| cj's dad |
02-15-2012 01:46 PM |
A widow for nearly a year now and still in her 40's, Mary was starting to miss the sex that her and her husband enjoyed so often. One evening, she was relating this to her lady friends. She explained that she had been a virgin when she married and never had sex with anyone but John.
"I guess his "size" was normal but I don't really know for sure. I sure would like to try it with a guy who was, how do I say this, unusually large".
One of Mary's friends spoke up and told her to look for a man with big feet.
Saturday night came around and Mary went to the local nightclub where she found a rather attractive, interesting man with rather big feet. She came onto him and later that evening they ended up in bed.
After the act was completed and as the man was getting dressed, he looked at Mary and said, "so, what do you think"?
Mary replied, "I think you need to buy a pair of shoes that fit you" !
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| Dave Schwartz |
02-15-2012 01:54 PM |
LOL - Good one.
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| magwell |
07-13-2013 06:45 PM |
Marine Corps
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noonwhen you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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| Dave Schwartz |
07-13-2013 09:08 PM |
That was great! :lol:
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| myhorse1 |
07-24-2013 09:27 PM |
TRUE LOVE
I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you.
"She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and
whispered in my ear... : "IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME ,-- you would introduce me to John..."
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| Magister Ludi |
07-30-2013 03:02 PM |
What's the difference between an introverted quant and an extroverted quant?
An introverted quant looks at his shoes when he's talking to you.
An extroverted quant looks at your shoes.
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| magwell |
07-30-2013 11:12 PM |
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
the last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explained
That his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found
My wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
Dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
In this cedar chest----"
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| gregrph |
07-31-2013 09:25 AM |
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."[/font]
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."[/font]
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.[/font] [font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin* girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.[/font] |
| magwell |
07-31-2013 01:49 PM |
A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation
But I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll **** her again."
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| Clocker |
07-31-2013 02:02 PM |
A bright young boy from rural Nebraska got a scholarship to Harvard. His first day there, he was walking around, seeing where everything was. As an older student walked by, the Nebraskan asked, "Hey, buddy, where's the library at?"
The older student turned up his nose and said, "Harvard students don't end sentences with a preposition."
"Oh, sorry," said the young man. "I'll correct that. Where's the library at, azzhole?"
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[YT="Hey, ya want fries wit dat?"]frxFH6A4LxQ[/YT]
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| Steve 'StatMan' |
08-07-2013 11:24 PM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
[YT="Hey, ya want fries wit dat?"]frxFH6A4LxQ[/YT]
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Hey! That's the Union Garbage Truck Driver's Job! |
| Mike at A+ |
08-08-2013 08:20 AM |
and speaking of viagra ...
This is an oldie so I apologize in advance if you've heard it.
Old man in a nursing home. Kids come to visit and as they are leaving the nurse comes in with two pills for dad. A sleeping pill and a viagra pill. Curious, the kids ask why this strange combination of pills is being given to their dad. The nurse explains that the sleeping pill is to help him sleep and the viagra pill is to keep him from rolling out of bed.
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| HUSKER55 |
08-08-2013 09:50 AM |
:D didn't remember that one!
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| magwell |
08-08-2013 11:31 AM |
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment..:rolleyes:
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| HUSKER55 |
08-08-2013 11:47 AM |
GOOD ONE!
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...ken-night.html
Quote:
A 64-year-old man has told how he passed out after a heavy night drinking and woke up to find that his penis was missing.
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Wow, you know how mad you get when you can't find your KEYS!
I dunno, is this for real, or this guy just nuts?
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| magwell |
08-11-2013 11:49 AM |
Fox news......
Interesting FL impacts….
The Reverend Jesse Jackson, in the wake of the Trayvon Martin verdict, made
this proclamation several days ago-
"I want all African Americans to know that it is time to boycott the whole
state of Florida!!! No concerts, conventions or ball games. No vacations in
the sunshine state and no orange juice. Stay away from Florida. Boycott
anything FROM Florida!"
Fox News noted that almost instantly, the property values in Florida shot up
and vacation spots began to sell out. The crime rate is expected to continue
to fall to record lows until the boycott is over.
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| Steve 'StatMan' |
08-11-2013 11:57 AM |
It took me a second read later to get this one! :lol: |
| magwell |
08-13-2013 12:11 PM |
High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help;-)
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| magwell |
08-14-2013 08:34 AM |
Political humor
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| HUSKER55 |
08-14-2013 02:02 PM |
if you want a stable relationship........buy a horse
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| Trijack |
08-14-2013 03:50 PM |
Sunday morning sex
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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| Ocala Mike |
08-14-2013 08:01 PM |
HUMOR
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That one got me!
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