- - HUMOR
( http://www.paceadvantage.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91419)
| Overlay |
02-12-2012 04:42 AM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rookies
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition...
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As Winston Churchill commented after someone criticized him for that practice in his speaking, "That is the sort of impertinence up with which I will not put." |
| cj's dad |
02-15-2012 01:46 PM |
A widow for nearly a year now and still in her 40's, Mary was starting to miss the sex that her and her husband enjoyed so often. One evening, she was relating this to her lady friends. She explained that she had been a virgin when she married and never had sex with anyone but John.
"I guess his "size" was normal but I don't really know for sure. I sure would like to try it with a guy who was, how do I say this, unusually large".
One of Mary's friends spoke up and told her to look for a man with big feet.
Saturday night came around and Mary went to the local nightclub where she found a rather attractive, interesting man with rather big feet. She came onto him and later that evening they ended up in bed.
After the act was completed and as the man was getting dressed, he looked at Mary and said, "so, what do you think"?
Mary replied, "I think you need to buy a pair of shoes that fit you" !
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| Dave Schwartz |
02-15-2012 01:54 PM |
LOL - Good one.
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| magwell |
07-13-2013 06:45 PM |
Marine Corps
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noonwhen you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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| Dave Schwartz |
07-13-2013 09:08 PM |
That was great! :lol:
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| myhorse1 |
07-24-2013 09:27 PM |
TRUE LOVE
I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you.
"She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and
whispered in my ear... : "IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME ,-- you would introduce me to John..."
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| Magister Ludi |
07-30-2013 03:02 PM |
What's the difference between an introverted quant and an extroverted quant?
An introverted quant looks at his shoes when he's talking to you.
An extroverted quant looks at your shoes.
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| magwell |
07-30-2013 11:12 PM |
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
the last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explained
That his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found
My wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
Dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
In this cedar chest----"
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| gregrph |
07-31-2013 09:25 AM |
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."[/font]
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."[/font]
[font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.[/font] [font='lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin* girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.[/font] |
| magwell |
07-31-2013 01:49 PM |
A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation
But I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll **** her again."
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| Clocker |
07-31-2013 02:02 PM |
A bright young boy from rural Nebraska got a scholarship to Harvard. His first day there, he was walking around, seeing where everything was. As an older student walked by, the Nebraskan asked, "Hey, buddy, where's the library at?"
The older student turned up his nose and said, "Harvard students don't end sentences with a preposition."
"Oh, sorry," said the young man. "I'll correct that. Where's the library at, azzhole?"
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[YT="Hey, ya want fries wit dat?"]frxFH6A4LxQ[/YT]
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| Steve 'StatMan' |
08-07-2013 11:24 PM |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom
[YT="Hey, ya want fries wit dat?"]frxFH6A4LxQ[/YT]
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Hey! That's the Union Garbage Truck Driver's Job! |
| Mike at A+ |
08-08-2013 08:20 AM |
and speaking of viagra ...
This is an oldie so I apologize in advance if you've heard it.
Old man in a nursing home. Kids come to visit and as they are leaving the nurse comes in with two pills for dad. A sleeping pill and a viagra pill. Curious, the kids ask why this strange combination of pills is being given to their dad. The nurse explains that the sleeping pill is to help him sleep and the viagra pill is to keep him from rolling out of bed.
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| HUSKER55 |
08-08-2013 09:50 AM |
:D didn't remember that one!
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