A little Humor

[Dave Schwartz]

http://www.horsestreet.com/BBSImages/RedneckMedicalTerms.jpg

[Overlay]

Don't forget Fetus: a character on Gunsmoke.

Also, I believe that Labor on the above list got inadvertently separated from Pain.

[Dave Schwartz]

LOL - Good point. And I thought it meant that a redneck had no definition for labor.

[Steve 'StatMan']

LOL - Good point. And I thought it meant that a redneck had no definition for labor.

Maybe Labor means screwin' a pig?

[Tom]

It took a couple of minutes.....but.......:lol::lol::lol:

[Grits]

One of my buddies told me this one on FB. :blush: Its made my face turn red as a beet, but its funny as sin. :)

( I just did cut and paste, so forgive the bold type.)

A new army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges,' so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges.'

Crazed with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

[Dave Schwartz]

:lol:

Heard it before but never with a southern accent.

[highnote]

Maybe Labor means screwin' a pig?


LOL

[Grits]

:lol:

Heard it before but never with a southern accent.

Oh Dave! :lol: I'd mess it up. I couldn't keep a straight face.

[Steve 'StatMan']

So at this other deserted outpost, the new member was getting the tour by the experienced member, and they walk past a large barrel located in an odd spot behind the latrine. The leader expalins that the barrel for when the men just can't hold off their urges anymore, and go there at night in the dark to relieve themselves.

After about a month, the new member just can't take going without sex any longer, waits until nightball, goes behind the latrine and to the barrel, inserts his member into the hole. He is amazed in the amzing feelings and touches he feels as he is taken care of to his fullest satisfaction of his urges.

The next day, he sees the experimence member, catches up to him and says "Hey, thanks so much for telling me about that barrel! That was a toally amazing experience, and I feel so much better. You know, I think I'm going to do it again this Wednesday Night."

The exerpiemcne member says "This Wednesday Night? Well you'd better be there! That's your night in the barrel!"

[Tom]

Who's on first updated.....

http://www.usnews.com/opinion/articles/2012/03/08/abbott--costello-take-on-the-real-unemployment-rate

[BlueShoe]

Who's on first updated..
Sad but true, even if in a joke. Along the topic of Abbott & Costello, it has long been my opinion that their very famous "Whos on First" is the best comedy routine ever, from any media. Have probably heard it at least a hundred times during my lifetime, and still laugh each time, it always sounds new. Many on this forum may have not heard it, or recall A & C, but we real oldtimers surely do.

[Robert Goren]

4VM0ps6tpKM

[HuggingTheRail]

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b***s.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

[Wagergirl]

:lol: A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b***s.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Dave Schwartz]

Mop bucket!

That was funny!

:lol: :lol:

[Wagergirl]

beware of the mop bucket.

[BlueShoe]

A beautiful young blonde had found herself a Sugar Daddy, and when he had to leave town on a business trip he told her to buy herself a new car and send the bill to him. She went out and bought herself a new Mercedes.

The car worked perfectly during the day, but at night would not move at all. After several nights of frustration, she became furious and called the dealership and explained the problem.

The dealer sent out their best mechanic and he gave the car a thorough inspection and could find nothing wrong. Puzzled, he eventually asked the blonde, "Are you sure you're putting the car in gear?"

"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."

[Red Knave]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Dave Schwartz]

Knave,

:lol:

Sincerely,
Dave

[BlueShoe]

As a history buff am always interested in picking up odd little tidbits from the past. Thought this might be of interest;

The condom is not a modern device, in 1272 Arabian Muslim tribesmen invented it using the lower intestine of a goat.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

No need to thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

[Wagergirl]

That is soooooooo gross! LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

[cj's dad]

75 year old grandpop falls in the shower, his wife of 50 years calls 911 which takes gramps to the hospital.

After 4 hours, a rather gloomy looking doctor emerges from the operating room. He calls the family together and announces he has good news and bad news:

"the good news is that he has a strong heart and is in excellent physical condition. The bad news is that he has suffered a serious head injury. He will often lose his concentration, speak incoherently, not comprehend what you are saying, well I think you understand what I'm saying here".

At this point his wife begins crying uncontrollably. None of her family members are able to console her.

After a full 5 minutes of crying and sobbing, the doctor again speaks up,
" I've never seen such emotion before, he has after all survived".

"You don't understand doc" replies the son,








"She's never lived with a Democrat before"

[BlueShoe]

My wife was screaming at me; "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow, miserable, painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

[HUSKER55]

Three men come to a river that they need to cross. The first one gets on his knees and prays to god to give him strength. With that, there is a flash of light and the man has new strength in his legs and arms.

He swims across and after 3 close encounters with fait, he makes it.

The second man goes down on his knees and makes the same prayer. God sends him a kayak and adds great strength to his arms and legs. After a couple of close encounters the man makes it across the river.

The third man gets on his knees and said, Lord, what do I need to get across the river. With that the Lord turns him into a woman. She looks at the map and walks around the bend about 300 yards away and walks across on the bridge.

[Steve 'StatMan']

As a history buff am always interested in picking up odd little tidbits from the past. Thought this might be of interest;

The condom is not a modern device, in 1272 Arabian Muslim tribesmen invented it using the lower intestine of a goat.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

No need to thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

I am in a hotel room laughing my ass off at 4:50am local time! Hope I didn't wake anyone! Thanks!

[Rookies]

Adult Scrabble...


Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I



People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my e-mail friends.

[Actor]

75 year old grandpop falls in the shower, his wife of 50 years calls 911 which takes gramps to the hospital.

After 4 hours, a rather gloomy looking doctor emerges from the operating room. He calls the family together and announces he has good news and bad news:

"the good news is that he has a strong heart and is in excellent physical condition. The bad news is that he has suffered a serious head injury. He will often lose his concentration, speak incoherently, not comprehend what you are saying, well I think you understand what I'm saying here".

At this point his wife begins crying uncontrollably. None of her family members are able to console her.

After a full 5 minutes of crying and sobbing, the doctor again speaks up,
" I've never seen such emotion before, he has after all survived".

"You don't understand doc" replies the son,








"She's never lived with a Democrat before"This joke has been around for decades, except the patient is the President and the punch line is "in other words, a complete recovery."

[Rookies]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.
WOMEN, who can understand them?

[Tom]

Big news on the Thoroughbred front today.....
Kenny McPeek and Paraboo Stables have merged.

The new stable will be listed as......McPeekaboo Stables.

[Rookies]

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER



Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[Rookies]

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk...

[Actor]

Sad but true, even if in a joke. Along the topic of Abbott & Costello, it has long been my opinion that their very famous "Whos on First" is the best comedy routine ever, from any media. Have probably heard it at least a hundred times during my lifetime, and still laugh each time, it always sounds new. Many on this forum may have not heard it, or recall A & C, but we real oldtimers surely do.From Saturday Night Live:

"Introduce The Band."

"Who's the band?"

"No. They're next week."

:lol:

[cj's dad]

This joke has been around for decades, except the patient is the President and the punch line is "in other words, a complete recovery."

You tell your jokes your way and I'll do mine the way I want. OK ?

[Wagergirl]

You tell your jokes your way and I'll do mine the way I want. OK ?

I'm just gonna say.. cj's dad... I told that joke over and over in my head with the "other" ending.. it wasn't nearly as funny to me as yours was. ;)

[dartman51]

Splinters in Her Crotch



A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.



I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down." :ThmbUp: