Memorial Weekend Humor

[Dave Schwartz]

I'll Start...
+++++


Ed went on a cruise and there he met Nancy.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf
on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"


Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[HUSKER55]

:lol: :lol:

You know what the really sad part is?????

I know a golfer who would do that!!!!:lol: :lol:

[witchdoctor]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[turninforhome10]

An out-of-towner accidently drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try." :D

A man has a racehorse, never won a race. Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning." The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning.

[WaHoo]

A old soldier limps into a bar and the lady bartender asked what was wrong?
he said you ever have a kernel come on your toe, she said no but i had a
sargent go off in my hand once.

[Tom]

A old soldier limps into a bar and the lady bartender asked what was wrong?
he said you ever have a kernel come on your toe, she said no but i had a
sargent go off in my hand once.

Choked on my tasty West Rock when I read this....:lol:

[Actor]

I'll Start...
+++++


Ed went on a cruise and there he met Nancy.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf
on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"


Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."I don't get it. :confused:

[Dave Schwartz]

actor,

Really?

(Should I do a workshop?)
:lol:

[WaHoo]

I don't get it. :confused:

What he's talking about in golf, if you hit the ball and it curves Left,
thats a Hook, so your a hooker.

She's saying Hooker, thats playing hide the winnie for money.. :lol:

[Rookies]

From a lady friend... my age...;)

Happy Gardening


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.


Her grandmother pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

[Rookies]

Another from the same source...

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.


And then God smiled and made the earth round.

[HUSKER55]

:lol: :lol:

[Steve 'StatMan']

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

In the variation I know, the pilot i a normal guy, and offers to buy two women a drink. One of the women says thanks, but it won't get you anywhere. We're lesbians. Man says what's a lesbian. They say we love to kiss women and lick their bushes. Man says, "Bartender, a round of drinks for us three lesbians."

Sorry I may have gone too far, although my old house had bushes in the front lawn. (Yeah, and our house was very popular in the neighborhood.)

[cj's dad]

A young man is visiting his grandmom in the nursing home. He parks his car and as the entrance comes into view, he can't help but notice 3 elderly women laying stark naked, legs wide open on the front lawn. Aghast, he makes it inside and asked the security guard, "what are the old gals doing out there on the front lawn naked and displaying their private parts"?

Yard sale.

[Pace Cap'n]

Bill Clinton is coming out with a new book about his White House years.

It will be titled "Sex Between the Bushes".

[StormChaser]

I don't get it. :confused:

Hooker as in sells herself on the street and Hooker would be a golf term as if cant shoot the ball straight always hooks to the left or right depending on her dominate hand. :lol:

[StormChaser]

A pirate walks into a bar with a big wooden ship steering wheel in his pants, Goes over to the bartender and before he could ask for a drink...

She asks "hey buddy doesnt that big wooden steering wheel bother you?

He replied "ARRRGG its driving me NUTS!!" :D :lol:

[HUSKER55]

:lol: