Christmas jokes or thoughts or lists

[sammy the sage]

1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
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WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
• 10. Did you get any under the tree?
• 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
• 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
• 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
• 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
• 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
• 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
• 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
• 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
• 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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Tragedy begets comedy
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
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10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
• 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
• 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
• 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
• 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
• 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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The Top 15 Reindeer Games
• 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
• 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
• 13> Spin the Salt Lick
• 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
• 11> Moose or Dare
• 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
• 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
• 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
• 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
• 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
• 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
• 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
• 3> Elf Tossing
• 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
• 1> The "Rudolph the Sh*tfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game
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SANTA'S PICK UP LINES
• I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
• Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
• Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
• Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
• I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
• Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
• Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
• That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

[sammy the sage]

A Jewish Christmas
The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

[sammy the sage]

SANTA’S GIFT

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

[sammy the sage]

HOW THE ANGEL GOT TO THE TOP OF THE XMAS TREE

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

And so began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[sammy the sage]

Christmas Present
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

[sammy the sage]

Barbie For Christmas
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

[HUSKER55]

GOOD ONES GUYS!:D