humor for a Monday Morning

[Dave Schwartz]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here..' One of the clerks passed out.

[RaceBookJoe]

Those are great !!!!

You missed the Oct 29th alert, where he went into Victoria's Secret...picked out a really sexy outfit, went to the counter and asked " doe's this come in children's sizes too" :)

[Greyfox]

:lol: :lol: I can't top that but at our local Sports Bar the other night the following conversation between a young attractive lady and a guy trying to pick her up took place.

He: "Hi....Nice evening. Can I buy you a drink Miss...?"

She:"My name is Carmen."

He: "That's really a cute name."

She: "Oh that's not my real name. I gave it to myself because
I like "cars" and "men." So it's "Carmen" got it?
By the way what's your name?"

He: "B.J. Screwandgolf"

[Steve 'StatMan']

Oct 28th, 2005 - Said loudly "Look, Michael Jackson's here! He must've heard the Boys Pants are 50% off!"

[LottaKash]

.

Can't add anything, cept', LAUGHING OUT LOUD !...:D

best,

[Tom]

A department store buyers was checking prices for the new spring clothing lines. His boss came in and asked for quick summary of what to expect this year.

"Skirts are up, pants are down"

[DJofSD]

Oct. 31: went into the women's foundation garmets section, and while holding various bras and panties, asked where he could try these on for size.

[Grits]

Dave, a really, really, good one. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[bigmack]

While it doesn't work with Target', personally I enjoy shopping with a woman. Especially when it's clothing for them. Get 'em some Godiva chocolate afterwards. Bingo. I'm in like Flynn. :rolleyes:

[Grits]

While it doesn't work with Target', personally I enjoy shopping with a woman. Especially when it's clothing for them. Get 'em some Godiva chocolate afterwards. Bingo. I'm in like Flynn. :rolleyes:

I'd kick you to the curb.:lol:

Godiva chocolate's low rate. It taste like wax, truly. More money goes in the packaging than in the chocolates. Besides, they've only been in business since 1966, and owned by Campbell Soup. Don't you know ANYTHING?

Can't believe you, being a SoCal boy, are not familiar with See's Chocolates. The finest chocolates in the world . . . and California based, at that. Founded in 1921. Even I know this and I'm on the other coast.

"Studmuffin," find your nearest See's store next time you're on Rodeo Drive following some broad around shopping who doesn't have the ability to choose her own clothes. (I'm serious!:faint: )

I swear, you guys are something else; some days I have to do all I can to keep these egos in check.

[Dave Schwartz]

Grits,

There are several things I do well - one of them is shopping with my wife. Truly.

And I can tell all the guys how to do it.

1. Let's say that you want to earn some points. (Who knows what you are saving up for. :rolleyes: )

2. Set aside THREE HOURS for a shopping trip and lunch. (This is worth like 50 points.)

Also set aside some dollars. Let's say, $250. (You know what will impress her: pick the right number.) Remember this number as it will be important in a minute.


3. Now that you have set aside three hours, mentally, up it to FOUR, that way you will not have any expectation of time of for good behavior.

4. YOU should SUGGEST to her that a shopping trip is in order. After she gets up from the floor, she will say, "Really? You WANT to come with me?" A sincere, "YES" will put you into double-points mode.

BTW, do not schedule this too far in advance as there is no excuse on the planet that will help you. Even a heart attack will not get you completely off the hook.

(Unless you die: "Do you know that my Eddie was taking me on a shopping trip the day he died? He was such a dear man." They can put it on your tombstone: Eddie, he died a dear man to his wife.)

Furthermore, tell her that you have set aside $150 for the trip or whatever other number. Remember that I said "$250 earlier. Whatever number you are willing to spend, you must tell her that you have set aside only 60% of this number. Big points earned for doing it this way!)

5. When you take her shopping it is imperative that you stay with her. ALL THE TIME. Do not wander off. If you do, make sure it is only to the bathroom. Also, do not look at either your watch or your cell phone except while she is in the changing room. If you can possibly stand it, turn your phone off.

Bonus points (doubles point values again): TELL HER that you have turned your phone off BECAUSE you do not want your trip interrupted.

6. While she is shopping, watch her choices. After just a little while, you will learn how to spot what she likes versus what she hates. Test your knowledge by saying, "What do you think of this?" a few times.

(You get points for involvement.)

7. Comment on her choices. When you get bold enough, actually suggest some things to try on. (This will soften even the toughest woman.)

8. When I say "comment on her choices," I mean POSITIVE comments. Only a highly experienced shopping consultant (such as myself) should ever make a single negative comment.

9. If you absolutely feel it necessary to make a negative comment, make it sound like it breaks your heart to tell her that THIS particular outfit, just does not look as good on her as the others. It MUST be about the shortcomings of the outfit.

10. This is a good time to remind you that under no circumstances do you leave the general area where she is shopping. If you do, you will have lost back half of the points you have earned.

This is especially true if you leave and get caught in a sports bar watching a game. Triple penalty for that.

And not too many trips to the restroom. Besides, often the video on your phone won't be that good in there anyway.

11. Tip - You can speed the process up by suggesting other stores in the mall. A trip across the mall to another store may seem like wasted time, but believe me, their little legs get tired. Especially if there are high heels involved.

12. Buying - Do not remind her of how much she has spent. Believe me, she knows... possibly to within a dollar or so. Keep smiling and offering the cash or card.

13. After about 2 1/2 hours she will begin to tire a little. Men, it is really important that you listen to this... Suggest that there MUST BE one more place HERE, IN THIS MALL, that she would like to go. Perhaps a shoe store?

It is really important that SHE be the one that quits and not you!

Big bonus for this: Remind her that she STILL HAS MONEY TO SPEND! If she has spent all the money you told her she had, (remember the 40% you held back?) you tell her you THINK you could afford another $100 or whatever.

BTW, NEVER suggest that the extra money would be well-spent at Victoria's Secret on nasty lingerie.


13. Last, on the topic of candy - Most malls have a See's candy store. Take her there. Buy her Bordeaux chocolate. Dark, light or a mix. All women love them.


Good shopping, men. BTW, be ready for the night of your life when you get home.

[Greyfox]

Another good one Dave....suggesting that me and the Missus go shopping.:lol:

[bigmack]

I'd kick you to the curb.:lol:

Godiva chocolate's low rate. It taste like wax, truly. More money goes in the packaging than in the chocolates. Besides, they've only been in business since 1966, and owned by Campbell Soup. Don't you know ANYTHING?
I don't know chocolate from a girdle. Former Pres of Lorimar Television & I would play tennis at the Del Coronado a few years back. He'd nibble chocolate on the change over. I cried foul. He went into a jag about See's not unlike you. "The greatest of all time, bla, bla..." I mentioned I just took a woman to lunch and she wanted Godiva afterwards. He went ballistic, again, not unlike you. Godiva sucks. See's rocks.

Chocolate ain't my bag but I keep it in my bag o' tricks. Sue me.

You go girl. :ThmbUp:

[Greyfox]

.

Chocolate ain't my bag but I keep it in my bag o' tricks. Sue me.

You go girl. :ThmbUp:

Hopefully, you've got exlax chocolates in your bag of tricks.
They go over well. :D

[Dave Schwartz]

Another good one Dave....suggesting that me and the Missus go shopping.

Grey,

Here I am, trying to show you how to get whatever it is that you ever want from your wife and you struggle with me. :bang:


Like Matt Dillon said to a fugitive he was in a shootout with, "You can go as pig or pork, but one way or another, you are going."


Dave

[Greyfox]

Grey,

Here I am, trying to show you how to get whatever it is that you ever want from your wife and you struggle with me. :bang:


Dave

Uh. Uh. My marriage wouldn't be as good as it is today if we operated on a
"You scratch my back and I'll scratch your back morality."
(That's "manipulation." The converse implies, "If I don't scratch my back, I won't scratch your back." That's a businessese mentality. We do things by choice, not because we think we'll get something back. )

[Grits]

I don't know chocolate from a girdle. Former Pres of Lorimar Television & I would play tennis at the Del Coronado a few years back. He'd nibble chocolate on the change over. I cried foul. He went into a jag about See's not unlike you. "The greatest of all time, bla, bla..." I mentioned I just took a woman to lunch and she wanted Godiva afterwards. He went ballistic, again, not unlike you. Godiva sucks. See's rocks.

Chocolate ain't my bag but I keep it in my bag o' tricks. Sue me.

You go girl. :ThmbUp:

Chocolate and girdles. :lol:

I'm not ballistic, facts is just facts, Mack. Too, I can't sue you. Your exploits with your lady friends? You (and they) make me smile, make me laugh. And this is always a good thing.

Remember something, though, regardless how great your experience. Some women are about packaging, some are about substance. Choice is yours.

Originally posted by Dave

BTW, NEVER suggest that the extra money would be well-spent at Victoria's Secret on nasty lingerie.

13. Last, on the topic of candy - Most malls have a See's candy store. Take her there. Buy her Bordeaux chocolate. Dark, light or a mix. All women love them.

Good shopping, men. BTW, be ready for the night of your life when you get home.

Dave, you're tops. One who knows smart women and what they like. And too, knows lingerie. (This last one, indeed, rare.) Victoria's Secret is cheap and tawdry, strictly teenwear.

[Dave Schwartz]

Grits,

Actually, Victoria's secret is hot as far as I am concerned. However, I am smart enough to know that it is not a Mother's Day presnt. (Perhaps Father's Day, but never Mother's Day.)


Grey,

It's a joke.



Dave

[Greyfox]

Grey,

It's a joke.

Dave

Whew. I'm glad of that. (I feel sorry for hubbies who have to earn brownie points in order to cash them in later for returns from wives, yet there are couple who are that way.)

[Dave Schwartz]

(I feel sorry for hubbies who have to earn brownie points in order to cash them in later for returns from wives, yet there are couple who are that way.)

Well, maybe some of it is true... :confused:

[Grits]

Whew. I'm glad of that. (I feel sorry for hubbies who have to earn brownie points in order to cash them in later for returns from wives, yet there are couple who are that way.)

Grey, Dave needs you to feel sorry for him 'bout like Bill or Warren need a few bucks for a cab. Maybe try not being boring and condescending. Humor's good, it makes some of us laugh. You're reading like someone 103 years old.

[Greyfox]

Grey, Dave needs you to feel sorry for him 'bout like Bill or Warren need a few bucks for a cab. Maybe try not being boring and condescending. Humor's good, it makes some of us laugh. You're reading like someone 103 years old.

Thankyou, and you're writing like someone who ate "Exlax chocolates" last night.

[rastajenk]

Now that's funny :D

[Grits]

Thankyou, and you're writing like someone who ate "Exlax chocolates" last night.

Damn--why did I come back in the room?

Slow to learn. :bang:

[Greyfox]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.


I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of our sessions.















http://www.kwikwap.co.za/thecockpit/photos/Pilot%20Father%20Tough%20Love.jpg

[DJofSD]

Very good! (And I am a parent too!)

[wisconsin]

Now that was good, fox..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[LottaKash]

Now that was good, fox..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

.

Very...

best,