Bear Humor

[Tom]

Two guys of some Eastern European descent decide to go bear hunting in the mountains, so the load up their car and head foo early one morning. About noon, they return home.
Their neighbor hollers of the fence, "What are you guys doing back so soon?
Then one would-be hunter, dejected, replied "We got all the way to the mountain road turn off when we saw a sign that said "Bear Left."

So we came home.

[Tom]

Three tourists go to Alaska for vacation. The first one stops in to the trading post and asks the clerk, “What do I need to keep bears away from me?”

The clerk tells him that a string of little bells around his neck would signal his approach and the bears would not be startled so they would not attack.

The second tourist soon arrives and he asks the clerk the same question. “What happens if, by chance, the bear hears the bells but still attacks?” he asks.

“Well, you can protect yourself with pepper spray. Just squirt this into the bear’s eyes and he will run away.” The clerk tells him.

The third tourist, tired of waiting in line at the trading post, decides to go to the local bar and talk to a guide. He finds one sipping a beer and sits down next to him. “I am going hiking in the woods,” he says, “and I need to know how to tell if there bears in the area.”

“Well, sir,” the guide says, ”There are always bears in the area up here. What you need to know is what kind of bear.”

“How can you tell?” asks the city-slicker.

“Well, now, if you see a little pile of poop, and it has bits of bark and berry stems in it, you know that there is brown bear nearby. They eat bark and berries, so you can tell.”

“What other kinds of bears are there?”

“Well now, if you see a pile of poop that has some bits of rabbit fur in it, and maybe some small bones, you can pretty much look for a black bear nearby.”

“That is good to know. Is that it for bears around here?”

“Heck no, sir, there is the grizzly bear. IF you see a big pile of poop, really big, chances are it is from a grizzly.”

“What should I look for in the poop to be sure?”

“Well, now, there will be little bells and it will smell peppery.”

[Tom]

A fella is heading into the woods with a .22
Another hunter sees him and he asks, "What you hunting with that .22?"
"Bear" he says.

"You better file down that gun sight on your barrel." the hunter says.
"Why's that?"

"So it won't hurt so much when the bear sticks it up yer arse!"

[Tom]

Two fellows of some Eastern European descent go to buy a car. The salesman asks them how much they have to spend.

“$200!” the one says.

“That’s all? I can’t sell a car for that.”

“Well, what can we get?” he asks.

“Let’s see, I have a camel I can sell you”

“What do we know about camels? We could never train it to carry us.”

“Oh, it’s one of those trained camels,” says the salesman. “You just tell it to GO and it will take off. When it comes to a red light, it will stops and when the light turns green, it will start walking again.”

“OK, we will give it a try – let us take him out for a ride.”

The two hop on the camel and the salesman says “GO” and the camel takes off.

About an hour later, the two are still not back, so he gets in his car and goes out to look for them.

The first stop light out of the car lot, there are the two guys sitting on the curb, no camel anywhere to be seen.

“What happened? Where is my camel? He demands to know.

“Well, sir, just like you said, the camel started off and when we got to the light here, it was red, so the camel stopped. Just then a car pulled up alongside of us and one of the guys in it yelled out “Look at the two arses on that camel.

“We got off to take a look, and when we did, the light turned green and that was the last we seen of that camel!”

[Greyfox]

I wanted to go hunting for bears once with a group of buddies who had already gone on ahead of me. I was going to meet them there.
My wife said: "You're not going unless I come along."
I replied: "Sure dear, put your fur coat on and let's go." :rolleyes:

[Tape Reader]

Two stupid hunters go bear hunting. They come across their first set of tracks. They argue as to what kind. Two minutes later both hunters are dead. Tracks?

(Turn computer upside down for correct answer:)

SKCART NIART

[Greyfox]

Two stupid hunters go bear hunting. They come across their first set of tracks. They argue as to what kind. Two minutes later both hunters are dead. Tracks?

(Turn computer upside down for correct answer:)

SKCART NIART

Computer upside down?
A mirror might be a bear...oops, I mean bare essential here.

[Marshall Bennett]

Two aggies went deer hunting and killed a deer. A friend pulled up with his jeep to lend a hand. He found them pulling the deer towards the road by his tail. He yelled at aggies "hey you guys, try pulling him by his antlers, it's much easier than pulling his tail". One of the aggies said to the other " wow, that's so much easier". The other said " yeah, but we keep getting further and further away from the jeep".

[canleakid]

Old Indian word for bad hunter :confused:

Vegetarian :lol: