I come bearing humor

[Dave Schwartz]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get
numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it Sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show the doctor.

[Tom]

I now that guy!

A few years after that, he was playing with a friend one the 8 hole, which is right near the street. As they prepared to putt, a funeral procession drove slowly by. The guy stops, takes off his cap and bows his head until the hearse goes by.

"That was nice of you, Ed" said his friend.
"Heck, it was the least I could do. She was a good wife for 20 ears!"

[Dave Schwartz]

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[DJofSD]

Feherty told a variation of this one on his program last week.

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who
shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f*cking the cow!"

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and
explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said,
'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the
City," he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his
uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is
surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know."

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's f*cking the horse!"

[PhantomOnTour]

Little Johnny's neighbors just had a new baby boy and his family had been invited to go see the child.
Johnny's father, knowing his penchant for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, gave Johnny a stern warning before they visited.
"Now Johnny I want you to know two things. The little boy was born with no ears. If I even hear you mention the word 'ears' I will give you a whuppin' you won't soon forget!"
Little Johnny assured his father that he wouldn't mention anything about the boy's ears.
Off they go to see the baby...

Johnny sees the baby and says, "Wow, what a beautiful young thing. You must feel blessed to have such a Godsend in the family."
The new mother is flattered by Johnny's kind remarks.
Johnny then says, "What beautiful eyes he has. Have you gotten his eyesight checked yet?"
New mom replies, "Not yet Johnny, he's still too young to test his eyesight."
Johnny: "Well i sure hope he has good eyesight cuz if he needs glasses he's fu**ed!"

[cj's dad]

Class is about to end in 10 minutes and the teacher has nothing left to present. So, to kill time she says to the class, "since it's still early in the year we are still getting to know one another, I would like you to stand up and tell us your name, what your father does and spell his profession. One after another the kids are doing as asked. Teach looks and the bell will ring in 2 minutes. "We've got time for 2 more, she points to Maurice who stands up introduces himself and relates that his father is an electrician, spelled elektrishun. No said the teacher but that's ok, I am sure you will be able to spell it correctly tomorrow.

OK, one more she says and points to Lil' Johnny, who stands gives his name and says my father is a bookie- BOOKIE-




and tomorrow he will be laying 10-1 that f***ing Maurice over there won't be able to spell ELECTRICIAN.

[Greyfox]

A man is in a horrible car accident and wakens in hospital.
He screams:
"Doctor..Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies: "I know...I cut your arms off."

[Marshall Bennett]

This is old, but still good. A housewife hears a knock at the door. She opens it and a guy asks her " how about a quicky for $5000?". She thinks WOW, can't turn that down No one needs to know.
Later that day her husband comes home and asks her "did a guy named Henry stop by today and drop off $5000 I loaned him last week?".

[Rookies]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry ! ; = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = ; I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Rookies]

Teachers


These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others ..
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



Cops


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs ."

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.' ( In Calif. )

[PhantomOnTour]

Uh oh.....i smell some fun.

[Grits]

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.' ( In Calif. )

Rookies, I once was stopped in northern Kentucky on the way to the airport in Cinn., Ohio. It was early, early a.m. I was stopped by a Kentucky state trooper AND a county sheriff's deputy. Both pulled me over. I was going 85 in a 55--in a work zone.

I'm not pretty, but I started crying as soon as I saw their lights flashing behind me. One coming up behind me, the other beside me. I had never had a ticket of any kind. Tears were rolling down my face, I was scared they were gonna take me to the county jail. :faint:


They talked to me and they let me go, telling me "we don't want you to be hurt, Ms.***********, slow down. We'd rather see you arrive in one piece, late or not. Another flight can be had, your life can't be."

That was in 2001 and that's the last time I've gone speeding through a work zone!;)

[Rookies]

Good job, Grits !:ThmbUp:

The ONLY ticket or law transgressed with apprehension ;) in them there United States of America, was precisely that! There's a wee traffic speed trap near Verona, N.Y. and I was going 60 in a 40 work zone... Except, of course- nobody was working. It was Sunday! I did pay up later, given my frequency of travel below the border.

And, I've seen you, of course. So, I wouldn't say your story is entirely on the level...;)

[Grits]

Rooks, mine was on a Sunday, too. And nobody was working, but there were plenty of caution lights and striped barrels to weave through. I figured Sunday was why they didn't put me in jail--that or it was a "blonde thing". :lol:

It taught me a lesson. These days, unless I'm passing someone on two lane road, I keep it at only 5 mph over. Cruise on, they don't even blink on the interstates if one maintains 5 over. Maybe 7, but I don't push my luck often.

I'm knocking on wood, as I type.:lol:

[Tom]

A Blond goes to the emergency room and when asked hwat is wrong, she says everything hurts.

She points to her head and lays her index finger on her forehead.
"Ouch, that hurts!" she says.
She points to her waist an lays her finger on her stomach.
"Ouch, that hurts, too!"
She then points to her behind and lays her finger on her hip.
"Owwwwww, that hurts, too!" she cries!

"What is wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at her and replies, ":You have a broken finger."

[cj's dad]

Rooks, mine was on a Sunday, too. And nobody was working, but there were plenty of caution lights and striped barrels to weave through. I figured Sunday was why they didn't put me in jail--that or it was a "blonde thing". :lol:

It taught me a lesson. These days, unless I'm passing someone on two lane road, I keep it at only 5 mph over. Cruise on, they don't even blink on the interstates if one maintains 5 over. Maybe 7, but I don't push my luck often.

I'm knocking on wood, as I type.:lol:

Blonde or gray :lol: ?? sorry-couldn't help myself- owe you a cocktail in Saratoga

[Grits]

Blonde or gray :lol: ?? sorry-couldn't help myself- owe you a cocktail in Saratoga

No, you don't.

[Dave Schwartz]

In Reno, we have two seasons: winter and construction. (They actually said that one the news the other day.) We've got construction zones all over the place.

One of the sore points in Reno was a freeway expansion project which has been going on for about 4-5 years. The problem is that the company went bust in year 2 and no work was done for over 2 years.

Some of that "work not being done" was the removal of the barrels and the "work zone" signs. Despite the fact that no work was done, they still gave double-your-fine tickets for speeding in a work zone. Two years of this.


On another note, Beth has a great story about getting stopped for speeding when the children were very small. Try to picture this.

Cop pulls her over. "License and registration, miss."

These were hard times for her, I guess, and she was worried about the ticket, so she is crying. As she is looking through her bag for license and registration she is removing items - transformer toy, race cars, toy dragon. Every item she takes out she hands to the officer.

She is muttering and working herself into quite a state of blubbering. "Hold this," she says, handing the officer a plastic squirt gun, some more toys and a small football.

Finally, the officer says, "Look, lady. Forget the license. Don't speed, okay? Here's your stuff back," and gets back on his motorcycle.

[witchdoctor]

A man was driving along slightly above the speed limit, he heard the sound of a siren and saw blue flashing lights in his rear view mirror. Instead of stopping, he stamped on his accelerator . After a few minutes the police eventually pulled him over and asked why he didn't stop.

He replied, two weeks ago my wife left me for a traffic cop.

So why didn't you stop asked the police man.

Because I thought you were bringing her back!

[Rookies]

Trying to remember all the lines to this one...

50th Wedding Anniversary

An Italian husband is being feted by all of his family, friends, biz associates and the family priest in the Church hall on the evening of his 50th. Wedding Anniversary.

Priest: " What a joyous celbration! Kudos to the two of you for providing a wonderful inspiration to all of us on how a married couple can survive and flourish in today's world for a very, long time!

Now, on the eve of your 25th. Wedding Anniversary, you gave your wife a once in a lifetime vacation to Italy. Perhaps, you can share with all of your honoured guests here how you're going to top that!"

The Celebrant:" I think, I'll go pick her up." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Greyfox]

This actually happened in Ohio.

A banana attacked a gorilla.

Story at: http://www.fox8.com/news/wjw-strongsville-banana-attacks-gorilla-mascot-mr-txt,0,7580867.story

[Tape Reader]

Johnny (6) and Joey (5) think that there're not getting enough respect around the house. They decide that cuss words would do the trick.

Johnny: I'll say "hell." Joey: I'll say "sweet ass."

Morning breakfast. Mom: "Johnny, what would you like for breakfast"? Ahh, hell Mom, just make it Cheerios. Smack! Get to your bedroom.

Joey, what would you like for breakfast? "I don't care Mom but you can bet you're sweet ass it ain't Cheerios."